Saving Abel guitarist and co-founder Jason Null has been charged for committing an illegal sex act at a concert in Oakland on Tuesday, after allegedly forcing a 17-year-old girl to perform oral sex on him while inside the band’s tour bus. Also named as a defendant was Brandon Danger, a guitar stringer for the band, who is alleged to have picked the girl out of the crowd after the band had finished their set, and who may or may not have taken part in the actual offense as well.

...read full article...

The Black Keys – Attack and Release
Nonesuch Records (4/1/08)
Blues-rock

The story goes like this: Danger Mouse, über-producer for the ’00s, was working on an album with rhythm & blues & spousal-abuse legend Ike Turner, and tapped the modern stripped-down psychedelic-blues duo The Black Keys for a few tracks. Once ol’ Ike shit the bed, the project was scrapped. Realizing that they’d struck relative paydirt by combining the low-fi sounds of the Keys with the mind-bending soundscapes of the Mouse, a full-album collaboration was in order.

Once news of this hit, fans of both acts collectively had a simultaneous geekgasm that likely gummed up many a keyboard. The album was set to drop April 1, but it wanted to be cool like the rest of the new albums and get released early. So us Pavlovian geeks dutifully went out and downloaded Attack and Release as soon as it became available. And guess what? It sucks.

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Sometimes albums just fall though the cracks. That’s certainly the case with this week’s selection, Styles P’s Time Is Money. This was an album that I was really looking forward to, but by the time it finally came out, it had been bumped down on my priority listening list—which got it placed on the resolution list.

Once upon a time, I wasn’t Styles P’s biggest supporter. There was actually a time when he was my third favorite member of The Lox. But after the D-Block/State Property beef, Styles’ stock really grew. He was talking reckless and rhyming like crazy. That was when Styles caught my ear; from that point on I was a fan.

Now, the legend behind the album is that Interscope sat on the finished product at the behest of 50 Cent, because of 50’s beef with Ja Rule. Y’see, Jadakiss and Ja Rule were on a song together, so 50 went at Jada. Naturally, Styles got involved and Time Is Money was shelved.

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This week, American Idol showed us that one thing’s for sure—Simon’s really not all that impressed with the contestants, especially vis-à-vis taking the judges’ suggestions seriously. This was another strange night, with only a few standouts in the bunch. And there was no doubt that Chikezie just had to go.

Ramiele Malubay, in a attempt to pick it up a bit, chose a Heart song (I thought Carly had Heart songs LOCKED?), “Alone”. Granted, she performed while sick, but for a woman who can sing so well, she’s really just not a very entertaining performer. I’m impressed by her voice, but not so much that I feel she should win at this point. She needs to have more fun, and next week she needs to pick something a little more recent and just give it her all because I think she’s running out of time.

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So, Jalen has been sick all week, culminating in an all-day Saturday sick-fest, keeping me anchored to the computer, while I hide out from his germs. Just f*ckin’ around, reading the bootleg for the 12th time, when I found your Fast Food column. Man, I was dyin’ just trying to get thru w/o laughing too hard, thereby waking up the boy.

Anyways, it’s Sat. night and all my friends are single and out drinking, so I thought I’d let a brutha know that HGP #1 was an excellent read and I’m lookin’ forward to your venture into energy drinks (another fave thang of mine). Just avoid “Monster”. Imagine 2 packets of Equal spread over your armpit…now take a lick.

- That_Bootleg_Guy

Compared to some of the alternatives, Monster isn’t horrible, per se, and actually, since they had it in lieu of Red Bull at the bar I used to DJ at, I became quite accustomed to it. More on that in a few…

The Austrian-made Red Bull started it all, with its introduction into the world market in the past two decades, not only making it the most successful energy drink (grabbing over two-thirds of the market share), but also doubling as a very popular mixer. Red Bull and vodka, although discouraged by numerous physicians and nutritionists, is a wonderful drink, and the Jägerbomb is one of the most popular “shots” amongst the yuppie/meathead crowd. Okay, okay… I sort of like them too, but I would feel about as dirty ordering one as I would anything containing amaretto.

One might make a parallel between Red Bull and the cola drinks of the late 19th century. Both Coca-Cola and Pepsi-Cola were originally marketed as elixirs to help cure infirmities such as stomach pain, headache, and impotence, just as Red Bull was introduced to provide one with a boost of sometimes much-needed energy and to help cure physical and mental fatigue. Just as Coke and Pepsi soon became consumed as a mainstream, or recreational beverage, so is Red Bull, as exemplified by the fact that it is being used as a mixer at thousands of bars and clubs all over the world. In fact, one particular competitor, known as Roaring Lion, offers bar owners a much more economically sound alternative in that it sells its beverage in the form of a concentrated syrup, to be used with the bartender’s seltzer tap. This saves bar owners plenty of money, as Red Bull still only come pre-mixed in the can or bottle at a much higher price. Roaring Lion tastes virtually identical to Red Bull, and when mixed with alcohol, it may as well be the same exact thing. If you’ve gone to a bar and asked for a Red Bull drink, at which time the bartender shot it out of his or her seltzer gun, you were drinking Roaring Lion. Sucker.

Aside from its superior marketing campaign, Red Bull is the leader of the pack for other reasons. Not only does it possess a cool, crisp taste (although the first time you drink it you may be turned off just because it does have taste characteristics unlike conventional soft drinks), but it actually works. I have tried several imitators, but Red Bull still works the best. I can have a mother of a hangover and one (sometimes two) Red Bulls will have me working just fine. In fact, I was sent to a training module for work, just a few weeks back, and after drinking a Red Bull I did not fall asleep. This was the first time that such an incident did not occur.

Yes, this time I’ll be consuming and comparing a whole slew of contenders in the burgeoning energy-drink arena. The original plan was to drink all of these at the same time, although fearing that that would cause me to jump through the ceiling, and would make it damn near impossible to sit down to write a column, I opted against it. Instead, I decided to grade the taste and effectiveness of each energy drink, trying one or two every day over the course of 10 days. Seeing as the drinks were the variable, I assumed a constant in that I would consume each energy drink in the morning, right after waking up—with a minor hangover. At the end of each night, before going to sleep, I drank two shots of Jim Beam and two cans of Miller High Life; not enough to leave me comatose in the morning, but enough to put me gently to sleep and cause me to drag ass at the work the next day.¹ These are usually the scenarios that see me purchasing an energy drink. I will not be reviewing Red Bull, because most of you have tried it at least once, and because of the fact that I can say that it works the best and tastes better than just about anything else out there. Ditto with Roaring Lion. Also, I will be rating each item on how good it tastes, as well as how well it works.

The views expressed in this column are solely those of the author and are not to be attributed to InsidePulse.com, Alexander Lucard, Widro, or Warren Woo.

ROCKSTAR
Price: $2.39
Servings per can: 2
Calories per serving: 110

Rockstar could possibly rise to Red Bull-type levels if they continue to advertise something fierce like they’ve been doing. The reason being is because not only does two servings of Rockstar cost 50 cents more than one serving of Red Bull, but also because it tastes very, very similar to Red Bull. It has the same bitter, yet refreshing taste, which may turn some off due to the medicinal essence, which is nothing too bad. Fans of Red Bull will more than likely enjoy Rockstar, not only because it tastes similar, but because it packs a f*cking wallop. I was working at a very good pace for the majority of the morning, and my buzz was still with me after lunch. I highly recommend this for fans of Red Bull, and would love to try it as a mixer.

Rating:
Taste: 8
Potency: 8.5

HANSEN’S ENERGY PRO
Price: $2.59
Servings per can: 2
Calories per serving: 120

Hansen’s, which, apparently owns the Monster empire, produced this drink before Monster, and after tasting this, I know why they decided to branch out. Energy Pro tastes like either a more syrupy version of lemon-lime Kool-Aid, or like flat Green River. It’s only minimally carbonated, which does it no justice at all, making it taste like it was originally properly carbonated, but then left out for hours causing it to lose its fizz. Plus, the aftertaste it left had my stomach turning for most of the morning (or maybe that was the alcohol I’d drunk the night before, although I think not).

Despite the fact that it tasted like a can of lime anus, it did keep me going for most of the morning, to go along with the stomachache. After eating some lunch, my condition subsided and I wasn’t ready to pass out, so potency-wise it’s pretty decent.

Rating:
Taste: 3
Potency: 7

MONSTER
Price:$2.39
Servings per can: 2
Calories per serving:120

Aside from Red Bull, Monster has got a pretty decent lock on the market, competing with the up-and-coming Rockstar energy drink. As aforementioned by That_Bootleg_Guy, it’s very saccharin, and has an odd, sickly sweet taste to it. Up until this column, I hadn’t had Monster since the summer, and I remember that the first time I had it was at this shitty dive bar at which I used to DJ, because they were too cheap to buy Red Bull. Since I always had to work very early that previous next morning, I would usually down a couple of the 16-ounce cans after my usual beer and shot quota had been met. At first it tasted like crap, but then I slowly became used to it. Do not confuse this with me liking it…

So this was the first time since summer that I had had Monster, and whatever resistance I had built up to it is no longer there. Yes, it does taste better than Hansen’s Energy Pro, although I have had acid reflux that tastes better than Hansen’s Energy Pro. I tried to pound the thing, but the sugary taste had me stopping about a third of the way into it. If Red Bull (and Rockstar, which will be profiled later) could be likened to beer, this would be Mike’s Hard Lemonade. In other words, yes, it does get the job done the same as the others, and it’s probably more palatable to those who are not used to energy drinks (as alcopops are more palatable to those who’ve never had beer), but when all is said and done, it’s junk. Monster also comes in a lo-carb version (with a blue “M” logo instead of the green one as pictured above), which I tried as well, and it tastes almost exactly the same, except it’s actually a little less sweet. Monster Assault is yet another permutation that has a reddish color and tastes like Monster mixed with ginger beer. If you can get past the herbal taste, it’s actually a little bit better than the green one.

In re potency, the Monster Web site describes the drink as “a wicked mega hit that delivers twice the buzz of a regular energy drink.” This is sort of a lie, though, as the reason why one can deliver “twice the buzz” is because it contains two servings. However, it did keep me going for a good part of the morning, but I would have rather drunk two cans of Red Bull.

Rating:

Monster (original)
Taste: 4.5
Potency: 7.5

Monster (lo-carb)
Taste: 5
Potency: 7.5

Monster Assault
Taste: 5.5
Potency: 7.5

SOBE ADRENALINE RUSH
Price: $1.99
Servings per can: 1
Calories per serving: 140

(NB: The following review does not cover the sugar-free version, pictured above with the regular version)

SoBe Adrenaline Rush is available at just about every store that sells Red Bull, alongside the aforementioned Amp and Monster. SoBe is company known for its bottled juice drinks, so it’s only fitting that this beverage would taste like fruit, and actually, it tastes pretty damn good. I wasn’t able to pinpoint exactly what it was, assuming some sort of berry and possibly grapefruit, however, after checking out the Sobe Adrenaline Rush official website, I found out that it’s actually passion fruit. It’s a very refreshing drink that, like all energy drinks, is much better when served ice cold. This was one of the few products that I tried in which I was able to pound the entire thing in a matter of seconds.

As far as the potency of the stuff, I downed the can first thing in the morning, and then proceeded to take a shower. After that, one of the first things I wanted to do was go back to bed, and I was only slightly less lethargic at work. Hey, at least it has 100% of the Daily Value of vitamin C.

Rating:
Taste: 9
Potency: 3

SOBE NO FEAR
Price: $2.69
Servings per can: 2
Calories per serving: 130

Yet another energy drink from SoBe, No Fear comes in a bigger can and uses the logo and corporate identity of that stupid clothing brand that I always thought was stupid, even when everyone else thought it wasn’t. It touts the fact that it contains creatine (otherwise known as acetic acid), a performance agent, which is naturally present in humans and animals, that helps to supply energy to muscles. It is also a supplement that a lot of high-school athletes use to get all artificially big and huge when they should be going through the natural awkwardness of puberty like normal people, myself included.

Like the aforementioned Adrenaline energy drink, SoBe No Fear tastes very fruity, with the definite presence of passion fruit, and probably pear. It’s good stuff, although it does contain a more medicinal taste than Adrenaline, but it’s nothing repugnant. However, where Adrenaline does not deliver in the energy boost department, No Fear gives you a nice boost. Considering that there are two servings in the can, this isn’t particularly outstanding, but I was going pretty well up until lunch, when it fizzled and I had to have a coffee.

Rating:
Taste: 8
Potency: 5

RUSH! ENERGY
Price: $1.99
Servings per can: 1
Calories per serving: 120

Rush! Energy is manufactured by the Monarch Beverage Company, which also makes such super-drinks as All Sport, Dad’s Root Beer, and Moxie. In fact, it was one of the first energy drinks to offer a tap version, and is available in the 500mL can. It’s only slightly carbonated, to the point where it’s almost not. Actually, I think the carbonation would do it some justice, as an overly syrupy taste is much more noticeable without the bubbles to cover it up. Despite the fact that Monarch touts it as having a “refreshing citrus flavor to combat the overly medicinally tasting competitors,” it tastes sort of like a mix between flat Mountain Dew and this medicine I used to have to take for bronchitis. It also leaves an odd aftertaste that I had to get rid of by gargling Fresca once I got to work.

Despite the fact that it tastes relatively funky, Rush! Energy works pretty well, as I was noticeably wired until lunch, at which time I wasn’t left feeling listless. Seeing as this is about what I was going for, I’d say this one works pretty well. It may have something to do with the 100% Daily Value of niacin, which, while not very good for my liver, does a damn good job of energizing.

Rating:
Taste: 4
Potency: 8.5

FULL THROTTLE
Price: $2.49
Servings per can: 2
Calories per serving: 110

Manufactured by soft drink juggernaut Coca-Cola, Full Throttle is currently being marketing very intensively, with billboards, posters, and full-page magazine ads all over the place; however, is this all justified, or is it just a clever ruse to try and sell a bum product to the masses? Coca-Cola certainly wanted to try and shed the medicinal stigma of the energy drink by making a beverage that tastes fruity, like a mixture of grapefruit and passion fruit with a strong essence of nectarine. I love the taste of this, and think that it would mix really well with rum.

Potency-wise, I would probably need to drink two 16-ounce cans in order to get the sufficient amount of energy from this stuff. As aforementioned, it tastes really good, and is very refreshing; however, it didn’t really do much to keep me going throughout the day. It was better than some of the others, but there are some real stinkers that I tried.

Rating:
Taste: 9.5
Potency: 3.5

SHOCK WAVE
Price: $1.99
Servings per can: 2
Calories per serving: 130

First of all, I was pretty excited to get 473mL for the price 250mL, and to top it off, you get 200% of your Daily Value of niacin in here, which does wonders for the metabolism. Plus, the stuff tastes pretty damn good, with just the right amount of carbonation paired with hints of passion fruit and possibly pear. Very good.

The potency leaves nothing to be desired, as the 16-ounce can had me doing back-flips at the work. Well, not literally, but I did run from my car to the front door and did not get the least bit tired, and my buzz was still going after lunch.

Rating:
Taste: 8.5
Potency: 8.5

LOST FIVE-O
Price: $2.59
Servings per can:2
Calories per serving: 70

At first I was going to review the other drink by Lost Enterprises (a skating/surfing/apparel company based in Southern California), but I really can’t remember much about it except for the fact that it tasted like a mix between a more sugary Monster (it is manufactured for Lost by Monster) and that smell that you get in the back of your nasal cavity when you fall and hit the back of your head on something. Yech… Then, while I was stocking up for this column I noticed that Lost had another energy drink, called “Five-O,” which is a mix of energy fuel and juice. Although I was a bit hesitant due to my first Lost experience, I figured that I’m The Human Guinea Pig, and due to that handle, I am required to consume things that might suck, so why the f*ck not? According to the can, this beverage contains a mixture of the juices of apple, orange, pear, peach, tangerine, pineapple and white grape, with the orange, pineapple and grape being the most recognizable. In other words, it tastes like a wonderful, fruity extravaganza (kind of like an Erasure concert), and more than makes up for the abomination that is the other Lost energy drink.

Due to the fact that the can contains two servings, and I drank the entire thing, it’s difficult to tell whether or not one serving would have done the trick; however, few people would drink only half the can and throw the other away or save it for later. That said, I’m going to consider the entire can to be what you’d normally drink, and therefore, it works awesomely. I was energized for a good length of my shift and did not feel like I was wired on something. Considering that this is a Monster product, I can safely say that this is the best drink that Monster makes. It’s unfortunate that they didn’t put their own name on it.

Rating:
Taste: 9
Potency: 8.5

RIP-IT
Price: $5.99 (8-pk)
Servings per can: 1
Calories per serving: 130

I’d never heard of this stuff until happening upon it at a local Target. They come in short, eight-ounce cans (like those mini-Pepsi cans that you can buy in a six-pack). The first thing I noticed after opening one of these is that they smell very sweet, and upon drinking this stuff I’ve hypothesized that a continual consumption of it will strip the enamel right off your teeth. It has a bit of a tutti-frutti taste, combined with a hint of Squirt. This is even sweeter than Monster.

In re the potency of the stuff, I drank it at 8am and was already dragging ass about two hours later. Had I known, I would have grabbed two cans. Then again, I shouldn’t have to do that all the time. In fact, the boost that I did feel was more like a sugar high than a caffeine high, which is completely understandable given the taste.

The reason why they sell this in eight-packs is because it would more than likely take all of them to give you a proper energy boost. Plus, if they sold them individually, and you bought one, you’d soon realize how ineffective it was, and you wouldn’t buy another seven. It’s a dirty trick!

Rating:
Taste: 4
Potency: 3

AMP
Price: $1.99
Servings per can: 1
Calories per serving: 120

“From the makers of Mountain Dew,” this energy drink is one of the most ubiquitous (after the obvious), at least here in the Midwest. It’s only available in the 248mL (hey, that’s what the can says) size, and is also available in four-packs at most grocery and department stores. While painfully sweet, it’s one of the easiest ones to pound without having to stop to make a face. It’s not much sweeter than Mountain Dew, so if you like that (which I really don’t unless it’s with pizza), you’ll probably love this. The only thing that’s a little odd is that it’s a bit more syrupy than Mountain Dew, which is pretty damn syrupy itself.

As far as the potency goes, I really didn’t feel any different than if I had drunk a bottle of Mountain Dew, which probably would have been more economically sound as it’s not only cheaper, but you get more.

Rating:
Taste: 6
Potency: 3

YJ STINGER
Price: $2.09
Servings per can: 1
Calories per serving: 130

If you’ve watched wrestling in the past five years, you’ve seen commercials for Stacker 2, as well as the energy drink by NVE Pharmaceuticals, called YJ Stinger. Like most energy drinks, it contains taurine and usual ingredients, along with what’s called “B-Stack,” a blend of 6 different B-vitamins that really scared me at first. I picked it up at a local Speedway, where it came in both Enraged Raspberry and some fruit-punch flavor. I went with the raspberry one (picture above in the blue can), which is quite possibly the best-tasting energy drink I have ever had. While it may be a bit sweet, it doesn’t make your teeth hurt (supra Monster, Lost Energy Drink, et al.), and tastes exactly like a blue freeze-pop. I drank it in about two minutes, and it left no discernable aftertaste.

Potency-wise, it’s the shit. It wired me pretty well, as I was actually hyper, climbing the walls and singing along with the radio; treating my co-workers to my karaoke-esque renditions of “Mr. Jones” and “Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)” (inserting “I am WATCHING you through a CAMERA,” à la Artie Ziff). I was jittery, but not in a bad way. If I had drunk this to stay awake in a meeting, it would have probably been torture trying to sit still. But damn good stuff, indeed.

Rating:
Taste: 9.5
Potency: 9.5

That does it for my exploration into the world of energy drinks. My body feels like shit, so I hope you enjoyed it. Join me in the next edition of The Human Guinea Pig, where I’ll be disgracing my heritage and reviewing a bunch of Mexican candy. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Cheers
-JF2k5!

¹ As a result of doing this over the past two weeks, my body feels like shit. I’m not quite sure if this is from all of the liquor or all of the energy drinks, as both are probably not very good for me. That’s why this column is late. However, if you are familiar with my work, you’re aware that my punctuality leaves something to be desired.

Welcome to The Human Guinea Pig, my newest brainchild in a series of side projects from my usual music fare. Remember Standards and Practices? Me neither…

In this column, my main goal is to put my body on the line and act as a human guinea pig so that you, the reader won’t have to. If I’m successful, you’ll never have to eat or drink another shitty concoction, because I can let you know ahead of time how much it sucks (or how great it is). You will gain knowledge of exactly what kinds of things the capitalist machine is trying to get you to shove down your gullet, and if you should give in or not.

That said, the focus in this edition will be the current special items that some of the most popular fast food restaurants are offering. Have you wanted to try that Fresh Toasted Chicken Parmesan Sandwich, but are a little iffy about whether or not it’s worth the 4 bucks? How about those Steak Nachos BellGrande at Taco Bell… Are they any better than the slightly cheaper ground beef permutation? These are questions that I will answer.

The views expressed in this column are solely those of the author and are not to be attributed to InsidePulse.com, Alexander Lucard, Widro, or Warren Woo. Also, most of these items were only attained from one particular location each, and may slightly differ depending on the restaurant or the motivation of the employees working therein.

Honey Chipotle Chicken Breast Sandwich (White Castle)
A touch of sweet… A touch of heat…
Price: $1.49
Calories: ~220
Fat: 8g

A large majority of people find themselves at White Castle at the end of a successful night of drinking, mostly because it’s (a) always open, and (b) Slyders, although widely known for causing gastrointestinal distress, are great drunk food. However, White Castle has been doing some interesting things with their menu lately to appeal to the choosier, more sober consumer, offering premium items such as the new and improved fish sandwich, the all-white meat chicken breast sandwich, the French Onion Cheeseburger, and Fish Nibblers, to name a few.

In keeping with that trend, the chain recently unveiled the Honey Chipotle Chicken Breast Sandwich, an all-white meat breaded chicken breast on a dusted honey wheat bun, with a slice of Monterey jack cheese, and topped off with a special honey-chipotle barbecue sauce. The sauce, as promised, has a sweet-tangy thing that really works well with the sweet honey wheat bun to make the juicy chicken breast part of an amazing composition of culinary goodness. My only qualm is that the bun isn’t toasted, as that would really hold this thing together even more divinely, since the sandwich tends to get smashed in the foil wrapper if you’re carrying out.

The Final Word:
This sandwich is quite possibly the best thing on the menu right now, and I enjoy pretty much everything at White Castle. Since they’re miniature-sized like the rest of the Castle sandwiches, you’ll probably need between 2-4 for a full meal, so if you’re a nutrition fiend, make sure to multiply the above stats accordingly. Then again, if you’re eating anything at White Castle, you’re probably not the most nutritionally savvy consumer out there.

Rating: 9

Bacon Mushroom Melt (Wendy’s)
It’s the mother of all cravings!
Price: $2.99
Calories: 560
Fat: 29g

Wendy’s, due to the fact that it is considerably less popular that McDonald’s and Burger King, has been driven to create some really intriguing sandwich ideas over the years on order to attract consumers. They are well known for using less conventional ingredients like ranch and peppercorn dressings, a vast array of cheeses, and applewood-smoked bacon to give the gluttoniest-ass glutton goose bumps.

Most of these special sandwiches come and go, being resurrected every 8-12 months, in between the occasional new creation. One such sandwich that makes a regular annual return is the Bacon Mushroom Melt. Served on a Kaiser roll, it’s a classic single patty topped with three slices of bacon and a generous dollop each of mushrooms and warm cheddar cheese sauce. According to Wendy’s, the sauce is actually cheese and mushrooms together, but you get such a mushroom explosion that I’m thinking they’re put on separately. The cheese, while reminiscent of the stuff you get for your nachos at the movie theatre, is still pretty awesome, and works really well with the other ingredients—especially the mushrooms, which, although seem to be the canned ones, are pretty tasty. It may also help that you get a shitload of them, so touting this as a Bacon “Mushroom” Melt is an appropriate assertion.

One major shortcoming of this sandwich is that it tends to fall apart, due to the fact that virtually all of the ingredients are rather soft (save for the bacon), so around halfway into the thing, it sort of implodes on itself, tending to cause a bit of a mess, not unlike Courtney Love. This problem might be alleviated by toasting the bun, which would more than likely hold it together a lot better.

The Final Word:
Unlike the proceeding item, while the Bacon Mushroom Melt can be a mess to eat, it tastes great, so that makes up for it (see also, Philly cheese steak sandwich, gyros sandwich). In fact, a relatively effective fix for that problem is to hold it in the wrapper as you eat it, so it has something to keep it together. This sandwich melts in your mouth like a Krispy Kreme doughnut, and disappears just as quickly.

Rating: 7.5

Toasted Chicken Parmesan Sub (Subway)
An Italian taste adventure!
Price: $5.69 (12-inch)
Calories: 1020
Fat: 38g

I don’t eat at Subway very often. Jared Fogel annoys the hell out of me. I don’t give a shit anymore that you lost two Jeff Fernandezs worth of weight by eating Subway and running 35 miles a day, and I don’t think anyone else does either. However, when I do go to Subway I usually get either a roast beef or a Subway Club. Last week, I was compelled to try this new chicken parmesan sandwich, as my co-workers had only good things to say about it.

Legerdemain!

The sandwich, which I got on a 12-inch loaf of Italian Herbs & Cheese bread (as I figured to be most apropos), consists of four chicken strips topped with provolone and parmesan cheeses, and covered in a special marinara sauce that is allegedly owner Fred DeLuca’s mother’s own recipe. Poor Carmela… I can only assume that nobody’s ever told you that your sauce is insufferably bland because you have one of those fiery Italian tempers and probably wouldn’t take it very well. Luckily, I have this computer to hide behind, so your sauce is insufferably bland. Maybe that’s a bit harsh… let’s say “overtly mild”. Oh yeah, and it’s watery, too. In fact, the bread was toasted, and the damned thing was still falling apart.

As far as the chicken goes, the strips are more than likely delivered to the Subway outlet frozen and are cooked in the toaster oven. The chicken on the sandwich that I had was pretty soggy by the time I got it back to work, which, however, was only about 3 minutes away. As a result, I’m not sure if they were like that originally or if they just absorbed the relatively watery sauce in that short amount of time, causing them to soften up like Mathan Erhardt’s opinion of DualDiscs. Much like the sauce, the chicken was relatively insipid, and was comparable to the chicken nuggets you got in the cafeteria in grammar school. The texture was similar, too, as they had that lumpy, microwave thing going on.

The Final Word:
I got about 75% into the sandwich when I just decided that it was too messy and not tasty enough to bother with the rest of it (since the wrapper was a mess of marinara juice, I couldn’t really wrap the sandwich in it), and I threw it away and ate a bag of chips. I should have tried the Arby’s French Dip instead.

Rating: 2

Steak Nachos BellGrande (Taco Bell)
Also available in chicken!
Price: $2.99
Calories: 740
Fat: 37g

Taco Bell, much like White Castle, tends to capitalize on the drunken folk, staying open until 4am at some locations and offering hearty, heavy food items. Once in a while, they come up with a brand new item (i.e., beef-and-potato burrito, spicy chicken taco/burrito), and other times they trick you into thinking that they’ve come up with something completely new by adding a squirt of new sauce or capitalizing on something that you could always get but was never listed verbatim on the menu. While I personally enjoy the Meximelt with steak, Taco Bell recently decided to highlight their Nachos BellGrande (the larger of the two nacho platters offered by the chain) with carne asada-style steak or grilled chicken in lieu of the standard ground beef. Since I prefer steak to chicken, that’s the one I’m going with for this review.

The foundation of the Steak Nachos BellGrande is a bed of white corn chips, first topped with refried pinto beans, then with slices of steak, nacho cheese, diced tomato, sliced scallions, and sour cream. It sounds like a real mess, and that’s exactly what it is. Much like the aforementioned Bacon Mushroom Melt, though, this nacho platter is delicious, so one can overlook the messiness, with a sufficient stockpile of napkins in toll. Taco Bell nacho cheese has a bit more kick than your run-of-the-mill movie theatre stuff, so that’s a plus, and the vegetables are always fresh.

The steak atop the nachos is awesome; it’s tender, juicy, and loaded with flavor. However, I’d like to get more than just a dozen slices of it. After all, that is the focal point of the marketing of this product. Another thing that’s always bothered me about Taco Bell’s nachos is their beans. Having grown up in a Mexican family, I’m used to beans cooked with lard, which causes them to be creamier (sort of like cottage cheese) and not as hard as Taco Bell’s (which has more of the consistency of peanut butter). Hell, my grandmother uses lard in everything in which most others would use butter, even ham sandwiches. Creamier beans would make the nachos easier to eat, as you wouldn’t be left at the end of the plate with that one big nacho that’s actually seven of them bound together by a caulk-like pile of beans. Then again, one must consider two things in this argument in that (a) creamier beans would more than likely cause the chips to get soggier quicker, and (b) Taco Bell is not real Mexican food, so they can make their beans with castor oil if they want. I don’t think any Mexicans are going to lose any sleep over it.

The Final Word:
The Steak Nachos BellGrande is delicious, but it does tend to get messy due to the plethora of ingredients involved. If not for the lack of meat and the consistency of the beans (which I won’t hold against them too much for reasons aforementioned), it would be fantastic. One more thing about this item: very often, the ingredients are not distributed very evenly, and there have been numerous times when I’ve had one side of the plate covered in just cheese while the other side is weighed down by everything else. Not a huge deal, but a factor nonetheless.

Rating: 7.5

Angus ‘Shroom & Swiss Steak Burger (Burger King)
Loaded with fire-grilled taste!
Price: $3.69
Calories: ~660
Fat: ~270g

There have been several installations in the Angus Steak Burger series since Burger King launched it a little over a year ago, and the most recent addition to the ranks of the Bacon Cheddar Ranch and the Western is the Angus ‘Shroom & Swiss Steak Burger. I’m going to review this assuming that you’ve never had one of the Angus Steak Burgers, so that I can start from scratch on my description of the meat itself.

The chain touts the Angus Steak Burger patties as being of a higher quality beef (à la a fine chopped steak that one might find at a 24-hour Hellenic-owned restaurant), and containing a super-secret special signature steak sauce of alliteration goodness, which seems more like a marinade than a sauce. The burger will more than likely be dripping with it as you unwrap it—as I have experienced virtually every time I’ve ordered one—mixing with the mayonnaise to create a watery/filmy substance that’s not the most appetizing thing. The burger doesn’t really have the distinctive taste of said sauce, instead coming off as somewhat bland, with black pepper being the most noticeable of ingredients (see also, McDonalds’ Arch Deluxe, 1996).

The burger is served on a cornmeal-dusted, split-top bun (which may actually be the best part of the sandwich), and is festooned with shredded lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise, two slices of Swiss cheese, and a rather meager offering of mushrooms. I was expecting a sandwich called the ‘Shroom & Swiss Burger to be an absolute mushroom explosion (supra Bacon Mushroom Melt), as it had a decent amount of cheese, however, it was more of a small firecracker than a full-blown explosion of fungal goodness. I can only assume that it is called the ‘Shroom burger because it only contains about half the amount of mushrooms you’d expect, so they only used half the word. Also, Burger King describes the mushrooms as “savory” and “sautéed”, but they were neither, as they tasted more like the Pennsylvania Dutch ones that I use to put on my frozen pizza.

The Final Word:
This burger was not bad, as I ate the whole thing. However, I am a glutton and frequently eat things that aren’t necessarily worthy of a cordon bleu. It works if you’re hungry, but I probably wouldn’t get it again.

Rating: 5

That does it for this debut edition of The Human Guinea Pig. Next time I’m going to put my body through more of torturous exercise, and compare and contrast several of the energy drinks that are trying to compete with Red Bull in that rapidly growing market… all in one sitting. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and my love is like bad medicine.

Cheers
-JF2k5!

I love this job more than I love taffy, and I’m a man who enjoys his taffy…

Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Kentucky Fried Chicken, which, as announced a few months back, will be gradually bringing back its original name in the next year, after changing it almost 15 years ago to give the chain a healthier image. The new, remodeled restaurants will offer new items such as collard greens, buttermilk popcorn shrimp, sausage bowls, chicken and rice, and sweet potato pie. It will also be scrapping Colonel Sanders in favor of Popeye Jr.

Thanks for tuning in for my 100th column. I’d like to thank Widro for taking a chance on me in March of 2003 by letting me do CD reviews for 411mania, and then later giving me my own weekly column in July of that year. I’d also like to thank Fingers and Widro for inviting me to come over to InsidePulse to start out this Web site at the end of last summer. Here’s to another 100…

The S.T.A.R. Warren Woo Reconnaissance Team has uncovered a number of leads in its search for Warren Woo, and it appears as if we may find him even quicker than originally expected. Ergo, I may not have to buy Widro the 30-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon that I’d wagered. Then again, it’s probably for the better, as Widro has a bad temper, which gets even worse when he drinks.

On a slightly related note, last week I was looking for a picture of The Masturbating Bear to accompany the mention of that character in last week’s Warren Woo-themed “Dramatis Personae,” but when I tried Google Image Search, one of the only things I got was this…

NEWS TO USE

The Random House publishing company announced on Tuesday that a pending lawsuit with The Ad Hoc Award-Demanding Shithead, whom it had sued after he failed to pay back a $300,000 advance that he had received for a memoir that he had never finished, had been “amicably resolved.” The lawsuit, filed in February, claimed that P. Diddy and his Bad Boy Entertainment company had “simply kept the money they never rightfully earned,” and was seeking the return of the advance plus interest. The rapper/producer had reportedly signed with the publisher in 1998, and then subsequently failed to deliver a manuscript by the agreed deadline of Dec. 15, 1999. A few months later, Random House started sending P. Diddy follow-up letters, notifying him that he was in breach of contract and that the company wanted the advance back. While Random House was unable to confirm whether The Shithead had paid them back or not, they did tell reporters that they no longer had plans to publish the rapper’s book. However, as part of the settlement, they had to produce an ad hoc crown for P. Diddy, with the engraved words, “I am the greatest man to have ever lived. I can do no wrong. In fact, my shit is made of 24-karat gold and smells like lilacs.”

Just weeks after getting away with being acquitted of multiple child molestation charges, Michael Jackson is being sued for $48 million by Prescient Acquisition Group, Inc., for breach of contract. The New Jersey-based financial firm claims that it is owed money after having helped Jackson get out of his $272.5 million debt with Bank of America, but has received none of the previously-agreed-upon payment since it started offering its services last November. The lawsuit claims that the Prescient firm found several private investors to help Jackson pay off his immense debt, which was putting in jeopardy his ownership of MJ Publishing Trust, which owns and manages thousands of songs, including many from The Beatles’ back catalogue. The firm also claims that it helped acquire another $256 million for Jackson to purchase Sony/ATV Music’s half of the Beatles library. “The reality is we have helped Michael Jackson acquire a magnificent asset and he’ll be able to fund his exotic lifestyle for the rest of his life,” Prescient’s attorney told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet. “He was in desperate straits before we came in and paid off Bank of America. We just want to get paid … otherwise, we’ll be forced to circulate disparaging Michael Jackson jokes. Hey, what do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common? Give up? Both of them come on little crackers! HA!” Fantastic.

In a recent interview, Roger Waters fielded some questions about Pink Floyd. “The chances of further developing with the Pink Floyd reunion are very slight,” he told reporters. “The Live 8 reunion couldn’t have been better; it was terrific, I was really glad it happened, we got along famously and it was absolutely fine, but Dave [Gilmour] and I do have major musical, philosophical, political and artistic differences. So for us to reconvene would probably not be the most brilliant idea.”

Quick Bits

In other Roger Waters news, he will be releasing an opera he wrote, called Ca Ira (There Is Hope), on CD and DVD, on Sept. 27. The composition is based on the French Revolution, and will feature baritone Bryn Terfel and other well-known classical musicians. Somehow, Lil Jon will find a way to f*ck everything up, I’m sure.

A Minneapolis-based singer/songwriter named Jennifer Armour has filed a lawsuit against Beyoncé, claiming that the singer’s hit single, “Baby Boy,” contains lyrics and a hook that was aped from her song, “Got a Little Bit of Love for You.” Armour had sent copies of the track out to several publishers in 2003, and said that somebody must have ripped it off then.

Charges of drug possession for cocaine and heroin, dating back to 2003, have been dropped against Scott Weiland, after the singer completed a court-order drug rehab program.

Vince Gill is spearheading a fundraising program in which country musicians will give the proceeds from one of their summer concerts to the Country Music Hall of Fame and Museum. Many musicians, including Alison Krauss, Kenny Chesney, Gretchen Wilson, Big & Rich, and Suzy Bogguss have already agreed to donate to the cause.

This just in… Rapper Bow Wow was trampled to death by a horde of teenage girls, while promoting his new album, Wanted, at J&R Music World in lower Manhattan. Wait… no, never mind, he’s still alive. You heard it here first. Bow Wow is still alive.

The upcoming reggae-influenced album by Willie Nelson, called Countryman, will feature a cover design with a large pot leaf on a red and yellow background, resembling a label from pack of rolling papers. However, the label also was forced to produce a cover with a palm tree substituted for the leaf so that Wal-Mart could sell it.

In the ongoing Chevelle saga about which you probably don’t care, after Joe Loeffler claimed that he left the band of his own volition, he, along with his brothers and former bandmates Sam and Pete, set the record straight. They released a joint statement saying that Joe had been kicked out of the band due to “irreconcilable differences.” In other words, he pissed them off, probably when he drank all of their beer and tried to cover it up by urinating in the bottles.

Boston Red Sox pitcher Bronson Arroyo released his debut album this past week. Covering the Bases includes covers of songs by Pearl Jam, Stone Temple Pilots, Goo Goo Dolls, and Incubus, and is said to be the best thing to be released since last week’s Got Hits 2 compilation.

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BACKCATALOGUE 100

In preparation for my special 100th-edition EXTRAVAGANZA, a few weeks ago, I asked some of my friends, family, and co-workers to compile some of their favorite items from past Swindle Sheets. For the past (almost) two years, we’ve been through lots together, including (but not limited to) “50 Cent looks like” jokes, naked pictures of Blu Cantrell, the debut album of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, two supergroups with Aaron Cameron, “The Late Night Jukebox,” hating on Fred Durst and Lil Jon, my temporary infatuation with Dana Suzanne, copious amounts of profanity and sarcasm, and much, much more…

Pink says that she used to work at McDonald’s, and admitted that she was one of the shittiest workers on the entire team. This proves the point that doing a terrible job at work will eventually lead to fame and fortune.

Lil Kim recently stated that charges against her for taking part in a 2001 shooting are nothing but a “witch hunt against the hip-hop industry.” In an EXCLUSIVE interview with a reporter for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, Kim said, “Yeah, so I lied to grand jury. So what? How many of you have ever lied? Come on, Jeff Fernandez, like you’ve never taken a day off from work to sleep in because you drank too much the night before, but you told your boss that your great-aunt Lucy got hit by an asparagus truck and is in critical condition so you can’t come in to work.”

Dave Matthews Band will play a free concert in Golden Gate Park on Sept. 12, which is being organized in order to benefit Bay Area charities. Fans can request the free tickets on the band’s website, and when they do, are encouraged to make donations in $25 increments. If they do not make any donations, the tickets will be sent to their house in an envelope filled with anthrax. Hey, fair is fair.

When he’s not talking gibberish, Fred Durst can be seen in your toilet after you’ve eaten chili and/or White Castles, like any other worthless shit.

There is some tension between R. Kelly’s management and the Texas Military Family Foundation, after the singer played a concert in Belton, Texas, last month. Apparently, the foundation, which was to be the beneficiary of the fund-raising concert, still has not received any of the $107,045 that was raised. Representatives of the singer say that the situation will be taken care of, even if they have to pay the money out of their own pockets, and even if they have to come to Texas and urinate on the faces of the foundation workers in person.

Mariah Carey said that she was very surprised to receive such a warm reception upon arriving to play a concert in Shanghai, because communists are notorious for hating big boobs.

The Beastie Boys will be featured in EA Sports’ upcoming NBA Street V3, as a three-man team that will be playable, representing the New York Knicks. Also confirmed for the game are P-Funk, Warren Moon, Bill Clinton, Chow-Chow, Kabuki, Magic Hair, Carol Blazekowski, Sal DiVita, Heavy D, and the gorilla that is the mascot for the Phoenix Suns.

A Manhattan federal judge granted an injunction to representatives of Eminem, who were trying to prevent The Source from including a CD containing the controversial early tracks from the artist in their January issue. The CD would include two songs, recorded when Eminem was a teenager, in which he said that black girls are “dumb,” and also used the word “n[u]gge[t].” The magazine released a statement that said, “The fact that our opinion regarding the prevalence of racism in the music industry is being censored is just another step in the effort to cover up the racial bias destroying hip-hop culture.” Eminem claims that the early recordings were “foolishness,” and were recorded when he was an angry and stupid teenager. Benzino says that while this is a huge defeat for the music industry, he has future plans to bite back by showing a tape of Obie Trice missing Bozo Bucket #1 when he was 6 years old.

My favorite wrestler ever, La Parka, was arrested this past week in Mexico after reportedly assaulting a man in a bar after a show. Hopefully this means that La Parka will be signed to McWrestling soon, because Stone Cold Steve Austin got re-hired after beating his wife.

[Suge] Knight told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, “It will be nice to be back in jail. I missed my cell. I hope they didn’t take down my Rita Hayworth poster. I missed raping 18-year-old prisoners. I also missed the food. I hope they still have those green beans that I like.”

Puff Diddy recently said that he will be looking into the treatment of workers in a factory in Honduras, which manufactures his Sean John clothing line. The National Labor Committee released a report citing poor working conditions at the Southeast Textiles plant in Choloma, including extra-long hours, shitty pay, contaminated water, and poor ventilation. Diddy said, “If there is any proof of any wrongdoing, we will terminate our relationship with this factory immediately. I will not tolerate any violation of labor laws at any facility where Sean John is manufactured. Unless, of course, they can recite every single lyric from ‘Juicy.’ Then I can overlook that it’s a sweatshop.”

Following up on a story from last week, the Dave Matthews Band released a statement saying that if they are willing to provide DNA to help determine whether or not several hundred pounds of sewage dropped onto a tourist boat in the Chicago River came from their tour bus. In other news, 50 Cent has offered to provide DNA in order to determine whether or not he is related to a leaf-nosed bat at the Bronx Zoo that he looks way too much like to be a coincidence.

American Idol 2 runner-up Clay Aiken will be releasing his album before the winner, Ruben Studdard will. This just shows that winning at stuff is absolutely useless. Never try for anything, kids.

George Grantham, drummer of rock band Poco, had a stroke whilst performing onstage with the band during a local music festival on Springfield, Massachusetts. He collapsed just one song into the band’s set, at which time lead singer Rusty Young called for any medically trained audience members to assist Grantham. He had surgery to relieve fluid on his brain and is currently resting at a local medical center. While physicians say that there was no definite cause for the stroke, I point the finger squarely at that f*cking shitstarter Lil Jon, who has been responsible for everything wrong to ever happen, including the explosion in Reactor 4 at Chernobyl in 1986, and the cataclysmic eruption of Mt. Vesuvius in A.D. 79, which buried the entire city of Pompeii. I think it goes without saying that the world would be much better off without Lil Jon.

The Dixie Chicks’ tour bus was rear-ended early Thursday morning while parked alongside a San Antonio highway. The only member of the group that was in the bus at the time was Emily Robinson, and she was not injured. Apparently someone had thrown an object at the bus while it was driving on the highway. When the driver pulled over to check the condition of the bus, it was then rear-ended by another automobile. When asked about the incident, President George W. Bush said that British intelligence had shown that the bus was filled with nuclear weapons.

I really do like The Mars Volta. They are quite awesome. However, on the other hand, I think that white guy ‘fros are quite possibly one of the very banes of the human race. Seriously, it looks absolutely retarded. It makes you look like Richard Simmons. Do you want to look like Richard Simmons? Huh? …because you look like Richard Simmons.

When the Tommy Tutone song first came out in 1982, people who had the phone number 867-5309 where enraged due to the influx of prank calls that they received. Well, now it appears as if the whole ’80s-being-cool-again thing has garnered a heavy interest in owning this number, as it is currently up for bid on eBay. The number, (212) 867-5309 has several bidders, the highest as of right now being $2648.99. The winner will have the opportunity to have the number transferred to their mobile or Internet line. After this auction closes, please call this person and tell them that they are a f*cking choad.

50 Cent’s G-Unit group and Ja Rule will be releasing new albums on the same exact day, respectively. Ja Rule looks like a puppy that got slapped in the face. HA!

Singer Jay Kay of Jamiroquai had his driver’s license revoked for six months, and was fined $1350 after committing a severe speeding infraction. While driving on a busy road in Perth, Scotland, he had passed a line of stopped cars, exceeding the posted speed limit by more than 30 mph. Kay had pleaded guilty, and written a letter to the court stating that he had “set out early in the morning but had become stuck behind slow moving traffic on the single-carriageway road.” While nobody had caught a glimpse of his plates, several people testified that they had seen the driver wearing a large, obnoxious, fuzzy top hat, and Dr. Seuss’ Cat in the Hat had witnesses that placed him at a villa in Johannesburg, South Africa, at the time of the incident.

The Repugnant Cunt will perform the theme song for the SpongeBob SquarePants movie. The movie soundtrack will also feature songs from Ween, The Shins, and Motörhead. The Repugnant Cunt and Motörhead on the same CD? Even if you don’t live near Chicago, but if you listen hard enough, you can still actually hear my head exploding.

British pop star Robbie Williams recently told reporters that he has slept with four of the five Spice Girls. While he’s known for having dated Geri Halliwell and Melanie Chisholm, he would not reveal which other two he’s been with. He bragged, “I’ve only got one left to have had all of the Spice Girls.” According to an industry insider, “If he’s saying he’s slept with four of the girls it means he either got it on with his best friend Max Beesley’s partner, or Victoria or Emma. Either way, I have no idea why Jeff Fernandez is reporting this story. Maybe it has to do with all the turkey he had for Thanksgiving, and how it made him lazier than usual.”

The three members of German rock band Landser were convicted of forming a “criminal organization” and of incitement for their neo-Nazi lyrics. Prosecutors said that this was a large step in the right direction towards fighting neo-Nazi music, and that this was the first time that a band has ever been considered a criminal organization. Prosecutors described the band’s music as “racist, nationalistic and anti-Semitic tirades of hate,” which “called for violence against foreigners, Jews and people with other political ideas.” … The Saturday Swindle Sheet was able to get an EXCLUSIVE interview with the band, during which time they chastised me for being a “Mexican devil,” and added that McDonald’s all-new ALL-WHITE meat Chicken McNuggets are the greatest thing since sliced gas chambers.

Quiet Riot has broken up. County fairs will never be the same. I wish that I had made that up, but I didn’t. I stole it from some news program.
(Credit: Some News Program)

Shit Bizkit’s newest single is called “Eat You Alive,” and in relation to a certain woman who Fred wants that won’t give him the time of day. Yeah, Fred, there are some women with taste out there, believe it or not. Rumor has it that said lady is Angelina Jolie, which would not surprise me. When appearing on Carson Daly’s late night talk show a few weeks back, Daly asked Jolie what she though about Durst. She basically said that she’s never met him and insinuated that she doesn’t plan on it anytime soon. Yet another reason why I love Angelina Jolie. Some of the lyrics of “Eat You Alive”: “If I could approach you or even get close to the scent you left behind, I’d be fine,” as well as, “Hey, you, Ms. Too-Good-To-Look-My-Way / And that’s cool, you want nothing at all to do with me / But I want you, ain’t nothing wrong with wanting you / ‘Cause I’m a man and I can think what the hell I want, you got that straight!?” That’s right Fred! You give it to her! Once she realizes that you can think whatever you want to think because you’re a man, I’m sure she’ll drop everything and come running.

Chingy’s new video will feature Keshia Knight Pulliam, better known as Rudy Huxtable. Hopefully she will be hitting him in face with a softball bat sometime during that video.

Last May, a judge found that there was enough evidence against [Bobby] Brown for him to stand trial on the charges. He must turn himself in by Sunday to be fingerprinted, and would then be allowed to go after paying a $2000 bail. This would be the third time this year that Brown would be jailed, as he also spent a combined 32 days in prison for a probation violation and later on for back child support. According to his lawyer, Brown is “doing some very good things in his life, like staying out of jail for more than… um, like being on a low-carb diet.”

Fuck the Atkins diet. I’m going to go eat a bread sandwich with extra bread. Bite me.

Representatives for the marketing department of Daimler Chrysler say that Celine Dion’s role in their ads will be greatly reduced in the next few months. She had previously appeared in a widely broadcast spot which also featured her music. “We’re just moving into an exciting new direction,” Chrysler spokesman David Barnas told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet. “I’m not at all saying she wasn’t a good fit, but you have to admit that Afghan hounds have never been very good at selling cars.”

Ludacris has announced that he has cut off all ties with his former (shitty little) protégé, Chingy, after he went and told XXL magazine that he and his former crew, Disturbing Tha Peace, had had several monetary issues before he left the group over the summer. As far as Disturbing Tha Peace is concerned, “This is the first time we hear about his accusations, in a tabloid or through different media outlets, so all respect is lost,” Ludacris said Thursday, alongside Chaka Zulu, co-owner of the imprint. “He keeps saying it’s cool. It’s not cool. … It’s completely over. … We have no respect for this individual, basically.” Chaka Zulu said that the “monetary disputes” that Chingy speaks of never escalated to anything more than the rapper asking to see the company’s financial records a few different occasions, after which time his lawyers and accountants finally assured him that everything was kosher. In one instance, Chingy blindly stared at a single document for over 20 minutes, before pointing out something on the page, and saying, “What the f*ck is this?” Zulu, confused, said, “What, this here?” Chingy replied, “Yeah, what the f*ck is this supposed to be?” Zulu said, “Chingy, that’s the number 4. It comes after 3 and before 5.” Chingy then stared at the page for another 15 minutes before asking the same exact question again, repeating the process for over 3 hours before drinking an entire bottle of Cristal and passing out on the floor.

The Immortal Tom Cocozza is back from vacation during which he managed to cheat death 304 times, ranging from being able to escape a burning cabin to taming a wild boar that almost tore him to shreds and then eating it for dinner with a side of baby carrots and au gratin potatoes.

I really, REALLY hate this banner that runs at the top of the page that’s an ad for Microsoft Office:mac. It makes me want to take a shit on my neighbor’s front lawn. I’ll be right back.

In an interview with a Saturday Swindle Sheet reporter, Faith Evans said that she hasn’t used either marijuana or cocaine, and that the only drug she uses is PCP, as it’s the only thing that has helped burn the image of a naked Biggie out of her head.

Roadrunner Records’ UK website made a post on April Fools’ Day saying that they had signed Guns N’ Roses and would be releasing Chinese Democracy sometime around Christmas. If you were one of the people who actually believed this, you should be kicked in the face, for everyone knows that Chinese Democracy will not be out until 2025. Your kids will love it.

Sum 41 recently made a visit to Congo to film a documentary that will examine the human rights issues in the country, as well as the country’s civil war, and the widespread exploitation of children. The band also hopes to get in contact with Malik Abacha, who promised them that they would get part of his father’s $250,000,000 estate if they sent him their checking account numbers.

I have no idea why anyone likes the music of Peaches. Also, on an unrelated note, I am in love with Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Chilli (the “C” in TLC) told reporters that ex-boyfriend Usher admitted after the two had broken up that he had cheated on her. Usher told People magazine that he felt like Chilli wanted to get married, and said that he had considered it, even thinking of himself as a good role model for her son Tron. He said, “I felt that I could lift the poor kid’s self-esteem. Come on, with a name like Tron, nobody’s going to like you, just like if your name was Julian or Geraldo or Queef.”

Ben and Jerry have announced that in support of the musician, they will release a flavor called “Marc Almond.” It will be slightly fruity but will become a cult classic.

[Liam] Howlett [of Prodigy] decided to go with a fresh approach after being very disappointed with the group’s 2002 single, “Baby’s Got a Temper.” He said that the new album was supposed to feature a collaboration with Peaches, but that was scrapped after her schedule conflicted with the album’s recording timetable. Thank your lucky stars for that one, kids. Listening to Peaches is so excruciating that it should be used as capital punishment in third world nations. I guarantee that you would see a dramatic drop in crimes such as tourist muggings and goat theft.

Britney Spears said that despite her 55-hour marriage last week, she believes in the “sanctity of marriage.” Yeah, and I believe in the sanctity of my nuts on Britney Spears’ chin.

That_Bootleg_Guy is the Uncle Ben to my Juan Valdez, and he kicks off The Minority Report with his trademark combo of music news and pop culture references. Here’s mine… 50 Cent looks like Max Headroom. Fred Durst sucks more than slap bracelets. I’d rather drink a case of 7UP Gold than listen to Lil Jon, that f*cking shitstarter. Trick love the kids, especially when they’re wearing British Knights that they bought at Zayre. Frankie says “Relax,” but I can’t, because Ja Rule sucks.

Michael Jackson is suing the makers of Scary Movie 3 for a spot in the film in which a Michael Jackson lookalike is the butt of a pedophilia joke. I have observed the scene in question, and have found it to be absolutely hilarious. Officials say that Jackson may have a difficult time winning his suit, since sketches that are done with the intent of parody are hard to prosecute since it is intended to be a joke. When Michael Jackson heard this, the curled up into a fetal position inside a cardboard castle and demanded that a naked Verne Troyer throw peeled grapes at him while a 12-year-old boy urinates on his face.

On a completely unrelated note, when I ran this thing through spell check, it flagged “Sisqo,” and suggested I replace it with “Sissy.” HAHAHA!!!

Hotel heiress and involuntary porn star Paris Hilton is apparently trying to work out a record deal. Hilton has been recently working on recording a solo album, which has been described by insiders as “crap.” No wait, that’s what I was thinking.

Prodigy of the infamous Mobb Deep has been arrested, along with several members of his entourage … [and] was charged this past Saturday with marijuana possession, as well as third-degree criminal possession of a weapon. 50 Cent is expected to be released from prison… oh, wait a minute… did I say 50 Cent? Force of habit, I guess. In other news, 50 Cent looks like Clay Aiken.

This just in… A local zoo has reportedly sued Marilyn Manson after he injured a giant panda by throwing a bottle of Bacardi at it. Manson said, “I didn’t know that it was really a panda. I could’ve sworn that it was 50 Cent. That guy looks like a panda.”

Shit Bizkit has acquired Halle Barry for their new video… blah, blah, blah… read Ashish’s updates if you really care, as he seems to think that they’re the biggest news on the site every time something new comes up. “This just in! Fred Durst prefers cinnamon dental floss!” Bizkit’s new pile of shit will feature Fred Durst’s Big Dumb Face on the cover, which should do absolutely nothing to get you to buy the thing if you didn’t already plan on it. Durst’s expression resembles the face that he will hopefully be making after realizing that Triumph the Insult Comic Dog’s CD sold three times as many copies during its opening week as his band’s did. Please don’t let me down, faithful readers! Buy Triumph’s CD so we can see Fred Durst suffer! Buy two! Three! As many as you can afford!

Hey, Puff Diddy, you whiny crybaby, ad hoc VH1 award-demanding bitch, you could learn a lesson from Bette Midler. In a related story, Dana Suzanne, you are the wind beneath my wings.

Dana Suzanne, be my valentine. Baby, you’re the kind of girl that a fella takes to Red Lobster.

Country singer Jo Dee Messina has cancelled her engagement with road manager Don Mizquiz. She said that it is because no one makes her feel the way that Jonathan Widro does. This is now two women that Widro has cock-blocked me from. Heads are gonna roll Widro; seriously, f*ck you.

The management of St. Louis’ President Casino is catching heat from the Missouri Gaming Commission after allegedly bending a few of the rules and giving special treatment to Cornell Haynes Jr., who creates shitty music under the name of Nelly. The casino is being accused of violating several state laws in accommodating to Nelly and his entourage during a private party late last year. The rapper’s party was not issued mandatory gambling cards, and was not limited to the legal maximum amount per bet. They were also able to purchase more than $500 worth of chips every two hours, which is a blatant violation of state rules. Nelly will not be charged, as he did nothing illegal, and the casino was at fault for allowing his party to gamble large amounts of money. When asked about this, Puff Diddy demanded that our Saturday Swindle Sheet correspondent present him with an ad hoc award for World’s Best Guy Ever Born, and then forced the reporter to watch as he poured a bottle of Cristal over his head.

Pharrell Williams, who has been accused of single-handedly stealing all of Nate Dogg’s work, is going to be releasing his very own clothing line, which will feature ironic trucker hats and ironic vintage t-shirts. Jesus must be spinning in his grave. Sorry, Mitch.

Prosecutors have dropped seven of the charges that they had against R. Kelly. He was heard giving a sigh of relief, before realizing that he had another 14 charges to answer to, and instead groaned in disdain and urinated on the nearest infant.

The BBC broadcast John Cage’s “4′33,” a silent classical piece yesterday on its Radio 3 station. The piece was performed at London’s Barbican Centre, which was the very first time that the esoteric American composer’s piece was performed in Britain. The piece, which really is 4 minutes and 33 seconds of silence, was first performed in 1952, when it caused several of the audience members to walk out. The performance includes a conductor making motions and the orchestra turning pages and acting as if they were playing instruments. Think that’s ridiculous? In 2002, a British rock band called The Planets was sued by Cage’s record label for plagiarism after the group’s CD had a minute of silence on it. The band actually ended up paying a six-figure sum to the John Cage Trust Fund. In other news, Widro has been sued by John Cage’s record label after sleeping silently for 4 hours and 33 minutes the other night. Widro, you really should have known better.

iNFLUENCES

Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…

Stereolab, “Parsec”
Martha Reeves & the Vandellas, “Dancing in the Street”
BT, “Embracing the Future” (Embracing the Sunshine Mx)
Roni Size/Reprazent, “Mexican”
White Lion, “Radar Love”
Depeche Mode, “Enjoy the Silence”
Misfits, “Some Kinda Hate”
The Turtles, “So Happy Together”
Spacetime Continuum, “The Ring”
Deltron 3030, “Madness”
DC La Rue, “Cathedrals”
Nirvana, “In Bloom”
The Mission UK, “Wasteland”
The Ad Hoc Award-Demanding Shithead, “Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down”
Ibrahim Ferrer, “Bruca Maniguá”
New Order, “Temptation”
Oasis, “Don’t Look Back in Anger”
Supergrass, “Alright”
Depeche Mode, “Policy of Truth”
Katrina and the Waves, “Walking on Sunshine”
The Go-Go’s, “Our Lips Are Sealed”
The Chemical Brothers, “Out of Control” [f/Bernard Sumner]
Tones On Tail, “Twist”
The Smithereens, “A Girl Like You”
Seven Mary Three, “Cumbersome”

THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK

The Parents Television Council is bitching and moaning about a Live 8 performance by The Who, in which ABC failed to censor one swear word in their live rendition of “Who Are You” on July 2. While the group filed a formal complaint with the Federal Communications Commission against ABC’s Washington, D.C., affiliate, WJLA, it also asked for all of ABC’s East Coast stations that failed to edit out the word to be disciplined accordingly. “The program was aired on a tape delay, which should have given ABC ample time to edit all obscenities from the concert prior to broadcast,” sniveled the PTC’s executive director, Tim Winter. ABC responded with a statement, saying, “Unfortunately, one inappropriate phrase sung by one performer was initially missed and made it into the East Coast network feed … It was subsequently edited out of the West Coast feed.” In an unrelated story, an unnamed source here at The Saturday Swindle Sheet has managed to acquire footage of Tim Winter masturbating and singing the eighth track off of Korn’s Life Is Peachy. The footage will air randomly in the middle of Nickelodeon’s broadcast of Dora the Explorer sometime between now and Oct. 12.

Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.

Cheers
-JF2k5!

What can I say about the Swindle Sheet? It has been one of the longest enduring, most consistently entertaining reads in the history of 411/Inside Pulse Music. He has been one of the cornerstones of Inside Pulse music since the beginning. He was even kind to me when I sent in an almost-finished-but-with-some-unfinished-sentences mixes for his long running Jukebox feature.
Kudos to Jeff for keep this going for over 2 years and 100 great columns.
Widro

Even though the guy has a propensity for jobbing me out in Battle Royales, Jeff is one of the cooler bastards on Inside Pulse. His Swindle Sheet is a must-read on the weekends, basically because it’s the only content that hits on the weekend. While I can’t testify to how much I would read the guy if his column came out on, say, Wednesday, his weekend presence guarantees my presence. Here’s hoping for another hundred Swindle Sheets (Saturdays or Sundays)!
Michaelangelo McCullar (DVD and IWC GOD)

Remember that time Evocator had that love affair with Fernananananandez? OH good times.
Fingers

It was an honour to write for the same section as Fernandez. One of the hardest things about putting aside “Music to Help You Score with Smart People” was knowing that I would no longer see my name mentioned in The Swindle Sheet’s hilarious pimping section. Here’s to the next 100!
Gordi Whitelaw

I think there needs to be a site wide battle royal for this.
Kurtis Osterlund

I would have a lot of fabulous things to say but I can’t remember them right this moment; maybe something sparkly will jog my memory.
Gloomchen

The Swindle Sheet is an InsidePulse institution. Much like his fellow Chicagotoan, R. Kelly, Jeff is a visionary. His use of reoccurring themes, a large cast of characters, and creative photo captions guarantee that The Saturday Swindle Sheet will be a part of future Norton Anthologies.
Long Live the Swindle Sheet!
Mathan Erhardt

How very odd that Jeff and I write on two of the worst site traffic days of the week, yet have managed to last longer than Manimal, My So Called Life and Steve “Mongo” McMichael. I guess it goes to show that Chicago has actually given the world some goodness of its own. Up until now, it had been primarily known as the setting for Punky Brewster and an extended lay-over for Toni Kukoc. But, there’s a new name to add to these pillars of persistence and pop culture. His name is Jeff. Jeff Hernandez. (See, it’s funny, cuz his last name’s actually… ah, forget it.)
That_Bootleg_Guy