Ben & Jerry’s Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road Ice Cream
Ben & Jerry’s Homemade Holdings, Inc.
$4.99

I love ice cream. Ice cream is to my mouth what music is to my ears. Before this bloody recession hit I used to keep nine pints of ice cream in my freezer. I miss those days.

I love ice cream so much that I eat it despite that I’m 99% sure I’m lactose intolerant.

Being the fan of ice cream that I am, I couldn’t help but jump at the chance to try Ben & Jerry’s Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road. Obviously it’s a play on the song by Elton John, whose visage obviously graces the package. (Actually it’s not obvious, as the checkout dude informed me it was Conan O’Brien.)

...read full article...

McGraw’s Spicy Jalapeño Fritos
Frito-Lay North America, Inc.
$2.69

A few months back, I reviewed Dwight Yoakam’s Chicken Fries, Buffalo Bites and Macaroni Mouth Poppers, and noted that someone like country singer Dwight Yoakam would probably never put his name on crappy food. Unfortunately for me, I was wrong about that.

Fast-forward to about a week ago, when I was at my local Target and noticed that another country singer—one Mr. Tim McGraw—has his own food product in an EXCLUSIVE flavor of Fritos, called McGraw’s Spicy Jalapeño. While McGraw and his chest hair might not be quite as trustworthy-looking as Dwight Yoakam, he does have a hot wife, and pretty nice hat and has even gone through the trouble to put his completely illegible autograph on the bag, right next to his photo. I decided that that was enough for me to try the product.

...read full article...

Dwight Yoakam’s Chicken Lickin’s – Chicken Fries
Dwight Yoakam’s Chicken Lickin’s – Buffalo Bites
Dwight Yoakam’s Take ‘Ems – Macaroni Mouth Poppers
Bakersfield Biscuits
$1.00 ea.

So the other day I was at Walgreen’s for a late-night Benadryl Allergy Kapseals run, and as always, I strayed over to the cooler/freezer case to pick up a bottle of a mysterious yet delicious Walgreen’s-brand concoction known simply as “Red Soda”. On my way over, something in the freezer case caught my attention—a seemingly entire line of one-dollar frozen snacks being marketed by one popular country singer known as Dwight Yoakam, and his Bakersfield Biscuits brand.

I pictured Dwight Yoakam in my head, and I thought to myself, “I’ll bet that guy wouldn’t put his name on crappy food. He just has that look about him. Plus, he did a pretty decent cover of ‘Crazy Little Thing Called Love’. In fact, being the lax country music fan that I am, that’s really the only song that I can name off that he did. Oops. But it was pretty good nonetheless. While I’m here I should probably pick up some toothpaste, too. I really hope they have that vanilla-mint-flavored Crest that I like.”

...read full article...

Well, party people, I’m getting old. A few weekends ago I found myself writhing in pain due to an inflamed knee that I had aggravated while playing basketball. And it’s been a tough few months for me—I’ve found myself being angry, sad and frustrated and the only thing that seems to move me along out of my somber moods is music. Part of my frustration comes from not being able to play basketball the way I want to. Stupid aging… Anyway, family crises have also been the cause of my melancholy but music still makes it through to my core and settles me somewhat. For that, I stay thankful.

In the meantime, there are two things I’d like to discuss: why in my absence from this column I cannot seem to escape the bubbly digital voice of performers on the radio (Lil Wayne, Akon, Wyclef, Chris Brown, the infamous T-Pain, The Dream, Rihanna, Madonna and others). In fact, the number of people and songs that have that voice effect has grown exponentially.

...read full article...

Emmy Rossum’s music could be classified as a new-age, less esoteric version of Imogen Heap. Every song on a sampler that I recently received, for the upcoming album Inside Out, reminds me of a more accessible Imogen Heap, and I’m curious if we can expect anything different on the full release, available on Oct. 23.

Emmy’s a beautiful actress who is best known for her leading role in The Day After Tomorrow, as well as Poseidon and the 2004 version of The Phantom of the Opera.. The sampler is not horrible—it’s light, beautiful and has a floaty feeling—but it it just doesn’t feel original enough. However, “Slow Me Down” is a strong single, with smart lyrics and good momentum as it merges into “Stay.” I’m interested in hearing a full release because the artistic statement she makes could be even stronger than portrayed here, however, my expectations are limited.

Rating:

YouTube Video of the Week:

Happy Birthday Freddie Mercury!

Smokey Robinson’s “Soul in the Bowl” Red Beans & Rice
SFGL Foods
$4.19

Since the late 50’s as an entertainer, Smokey has tasted from the kettles of the world’s most renowned chefs—and from the pots of some of the most soulful kitchens. After years of traveling the globe, Smokey has put together a product line of some of his most favorite dishes and recipes. … Smokey is genuinely excited about his own line of food products! … The product line will roll out with “Smokey Robinson’s Soul in the Bowl” Gumbo and Red Beans & Rice. And more to come! … Just like the Grammy Living Legend’s music, it is soulful and delicious!
—www.smokeyrobinsonfoods.com

While I do admit that I like “Tears of a Clown” and “I Second That Emotion”, I don’t know if I’d consider either to be a “delicious” song. What exactly would be a delicious song? “Cheeseburger in Paradise”? No, that’s a terrible song. But I digress…

For my first post at the inception of MachineGunFunk.com, I reviewed 50 Cent’s “formula 50″ vitaminwater, although I had originally planned to review this. Unfortunately, it was sold out at the time, so I went with Plan B. I had meant to review one of the Smokey Robinson foodstuffs once the grocery store had it back in stock, but it was forgotten amid the chaos.

Fast-forward to this past Tuesday, when I saw Smokey Robinson’s “Soul in the Bowl” Red Beans & Rice at the nearby Dominick’s, right next to the seafood and chicken gumbo varieties. Interesting to note… the two latter items no longer sport the “soul is in the bowl” tagline, as Smokey may have had to surrender it due to legal problems. Being one to favor the little things, I opted for the one with the cheesy tagline still intact.

The meal (in bowl form, or course, à la Uncle Ben, Michelina, the Gorton’s Fisherman, et al.) heats up in 5 minutes and has a fairly thick consistency that sticks to your ribs. It reminded me of a slightly thinner chili. It’s got a good mix of beans, rice and vegetables (onion, tomato, green pepper and celery), however, I would have appreciated a bit more meat, as the turkey and chicken andouille sausage was decent but not nearly as plentiful as the package would lead one to believe. Smokey claims that he opted for chicken and turkey over the more traditional pork in order to create a healthier product, but since there weren’t really any large pieces of the stuff in there, I couldn’t quite catch whether it was really that good or not. For those of you, who prefer spicy food, you’d better have your economy size bottle of Louisiana Hot Sauce on-hand, because it’s pretty mild. I won’t say it’s bland, but it certainly could’ve had a bit more moxie, maybe in the form of a few more dashes of cayenne pepper.

For full-blooded Acadians, this is probably not going to be something that will impress you, but for the rest of us (myself included, to an extent) who don’t know enough about Cajun cuisine (and no, Popeye’s does not count) to compare it to the real deal, it will be a good meal that hits the spot. Considering the quality of most of the frozen dinners that sit alongside it in your grocer’s freezer, this is pretty good.

On a side note, the site where I found the product image found at the top of this page contained some comment about Diana Ross and the Supremes’ Salisbury steak meal. I really wish I had thought of that first, but I didn’t.

Rating:

50 cent’s new album is bound to go platinum. so formula 50 decided to go platinum too. not to be outdone, we are happy to announce the release of our own album, “hydrate or die tryin’.” all we need is one little shoutout at the MTV video music awards. suckaz be movin’ out of the way at them beverage conferences. plus, our drink has the nutrients you need to fuel you through the day. that’s just how we roll here in queens (NB: The Glacéau headquarters is located in Queens, New York).
—label on the bottle

In a world now chock full of health and energy drinks, the Glacéau company continues to stay competitive with its “vitaminwater” line, also supported by the “smartwater” and “fruitwater” varieties. For those of you unfamiliar with the “vitaminwater” product line, each of the 13 flavors, all of which contain electrolytes and a slew of vitamins, is named for its respective health benefit. For example, “energy”, the tropical-citrus flavor, contains guarana, ginseng and caffeine to provide an energy boost, while “defense”, the raspberry-apple flavor, contains zinc and extra Vitamin C to bolster the immune system.

“formula 50″, the grape flavor, claims that one 20-ounce bottle contains 50% of the daily recommended value of Vitamin C, Vitamin E, Vitamin B3, Vitamin B6, Folic Acid, Vitamin B12 and Vitamin B5. Essentially, you could drink two bottles of this stuff and you’d be set. The question is, would you even want to drink one…?

Prior to my testing of this beverage, I had only tried the lemonade-flavored “multi-v”, which I found to be light and refreshing, the orange-flavored “essential”, which I found to be bland and watered down, and the aforementioned “energy”, which was also pretty insipid. As far as “formula 50″ is concerned, I liked it slightly less than the lemonade one and a little more than the other two. All of the “vitaminwater” varieties are sweetened with only crystalline fructose, as opposed to the sucrose syrup and high fructose corn syrup used to flavor rival beverages like Gatorade and Powerade. As a result, the sweetness is not as sharp, and for a lot of people it’s probably a lot easier to pound if you’re really thirsty. The grape flavoring is not overbearing, but at the same time it’s definitely prevalent. It’s probably not the most refreshing thing I could be drinking, as I recall the lemonade one was certainly superior there, as well as most of the Gatorade flavors. Moreover, drinking regular pure water is much crisper than any of them, and the same size bottle of pure water doesn’t contain 125 calories and 33 grams of sugar.

Save for the “multi-v”, I’m really not the biggest fan of what I’ve tried from the Glacéau line, and “formula 50″ wasn’t the saving grace that it could’ve been. It isn’t as useless as the other two I’ve previously tried, but it’s just sort of there, like the drink equivalent of 3 Doors Down. They probably should’ve plugged it instead. Since this is supposed to geared towards health-conscious people, they’d more than likely ditch it due to the sugar and calorie counts. Plus, I honestly can’t see 50 Cent ever drinking this, whether it’s straight or mixed with Hypnotiq or Rémy Martin or whatever. The bottle doesn’t even look like 50 Cent, which was really disappointing. At the time of this review, Ryan T. Murphy and Mitch Michaels could not be reached for comment. Mathan Erhardt, on the other hand, said that this was the greatest thing he’s drank in the last 45 minutes, and proceeded to play his Cash Money instrumentals CD which he still claims is not an official Cash Money album.

Rating: