Joined by will.i.am, it’s America’s hottest pop singer… Fergie. What? Did I miss the memo on that one? Yes, she does look pretty good, but remember, she can afford the plastic surgery now, and even all dolled up, she still kind of looks like a mix between Jessica Simpson and a baseball mitt. will.i.am gets bleeped about 10 seconds in the thing, possibly setting a new record. Fergie performs a couple of songs that I don’t recognize and for which don’t feel like searching, and then the dancers SCURRY LIKE SCALDED DOGS so that Fergie can have the stage to herself for “Big Girls Don’t Cry”. I think her voice might have gone out about a minute into the thing, because she sounded pretty rough for the second half of it or so. Too bad they don’t have plastic surgery to help repair your vocal cords from meth damage.

And it’s will.i.am again (featuring Shiny Suit) for a solo performance of “Heartbreaker”. He slides around in what appears to be a bit of an homage to Jacko, but with much pointier shoes. He’s joined on-stage with a few female dancers done up like futuristic Olivia Newton-Johns, as well as a whole mess of mannequins that have been spray-painted silver. The mannequins are

BUT WAIT… it’s not over. Here’s Nicole Scherzinger to perform “Baby Love” with will.i.am. Well, I must admit, she’s not the greatest singer, but she’s certainly an improvement over Fergie, looks-wise. Voice-wise, she’s also definitely not really cutting the mustard, and is probably even worse. She can’t hit the high note, and that’s embarrassing. But she does have a butt that won’t quit.

Your host is Jimmy Kimmel, and this his fourth time hosting the show. He warns us that this is going to be a little bit loose, because he’s member of the Writer’s Guild. He couldn’t write any jokes, so he’ll be dancing all night. He’s going to do that damned Soulja Boy dance, and the guy from Rascal Flatts doesn’t know the dance, but I think he says “cock” a couple of times. Rihanna is mildly amused. Kelly Pickler knows the dance, and so does Jordin Sparks, so they’re up on stage with Kimmel. It’s a complete CHINESE FIREDRILL until the idiot shows up himself to do the dance. Didn’t see that one coming. Boy, is this a lame dance. Anyone under the age of 15 who likes this guy needs to go drink some Drano. Soulja Boy said to do it. Seriously.

Carrie Underwood is out to present the Breakthrough Artist, and the nominees are:

Daughtry
Plain White T’s
Robin Thicke

Daughtry is the winner, and none of this would be possible without the fans, to a HUGE POP. Chris would like to thank God for making him lose American Idol, so that he could actually pursue a real music career with a real band.

This show is brought to you by Kay Jewelers and Old Navy, as we’re led to believe that later on in the show Beyoncé will be making an appearance that “everyone will be talking about.” Not me, unless she gets naked, or makes out with Rihanna. Or both.

Here’s Christina Applegate (the Emmy Award winning star of Samantha Who?) and James Blunt (who’s really confused), to present the award for Country Band, Duo or Group. The nominees:

Big & Rich
Brooks & Dunn
Rascal Flatts

Rascal Flatts win it, and they all look like a bunch of bloated metrosexuals. These guys are the face of country music, but not one of them is sporting either a stetson or belt buckle. Unbelievable. They thank God for their voices, because otherwise they’ve have to slip Aqua Dots into women’s drinks just to get laid.

OneRepublic is out to present The Repugnant C*nt, who’s performing “Hot”. I will be going to get food right about now.

And I return in the middle of a performance by The Bloated Metrosexuals, which is actually the best performance of the night. It’s not particularly exciting to see, but voice-wise, they’re on the money. Imagine that, a performance in which the singer can actually get through the entire song without slipping up. Who’da thunk it?

Later on in the show, we’re going to be treated to appearances by the Jonas Brothers and The Afghan Hound. Sweet Lord, have mercy on all of our souls.

Here’s Ryan Seacrest to introduce ONE OF THE HOTTEST BANDS IN THE WORLD, Maroon 5, performing “Won’t Go Home Without You”. Again, I must have missed the memo. With his head shaved, Adam Levine kind of looks like Moby with huge eyebrows. This song is incredibly boring. I really do feel for the guitarist and bassist, both of whom have pretty metal-esque long hair and are probably just dying to start head-banging.

Ashanti is out to present the award for R&B Male Artist, and the nominees are:

Akon
Ne-Yo
T-Pain

Akon is YOUR winner, and he brings T-Pain on-stage to tell us all that T-Pain deserves the award more, and Akon will be giving it to him. Man, if I were Ne-Yo, I’d be pretty pissed off right now. But WAIT… here comes Ne-Yo with Chris Brown, and he gives T-Pain a hug to show… wait! KICK WHAM STUNNER! Chris Brown does a dance before taking the trophy and hitting Akon over the head with it. OK, I made that all up, but you have to admit that would’ve made this show at least somewhat interesting.

Jimmy Kimmel still can’t do that Soulja Boy dance, and he introduces Jordin Sparks, who in turn introduces the Jonas Brothers, and all of the teenage girls in the audience are screaming before the poor girls can even finish what she’s saying. And it seems as if they’ve shipped in an entire high school graduating class’s worth of teenage girls to bounce around in the front row. There is also what appears to be another band in the background that is probably playing the majority of the music, even though two of the kids have guitars themselves. It’s kind of like that one Blues Traveler video.

Here comes Fabolous and Taylor Swift, and they’re here to present the award for Pop/Rock Male Artist. The nominees are:

Akon
Timbaland
Justin Timberlake

Your winner is Justin Timberlake, who’s not-so-live via satellite (because he’s touring in Australia) to give what is quite possibly the most slapdash acceptance speech of all time. Something along the lines of “Wow, I’m male and I’m an artist, so I meet the criteria.” I guess his writer must be on strike.

Jimmy Kimmel and Kid Rock get into a staged altercation over The Afghan Hound, and that’s how I knew it was staged. Kid Rock punches him to the floor, and he’ll be back with his lawyers.

Here’s Kelly Pickler with Matt Dallas (who?) to present the award for Soundtrack Album:

Dreamgirls
Hairspray
High School Musical 2

High School Musical 2 is the winner, as we learn that these awards are apparently decided by the teenage girls that were bouncing around during the Jonas Brothers performance. And good lord, does Vanessa Hudgens look fantastic. She’s the best of the whole night, so far. Hudgens, her fuzzy snatch and the rest of the cast would like to thank the fans. Well, I am definitely a fan of her fuzzy snatch.

I wasn’t paying attention to who was introducing Rihanna, but here she is to perform “Umbrella” while dressed like Ella (Ella, Ella, ay) Fitzgerald, complete with a backing symphony. Here’s Ne-Yo for their duet, “Hate That I Love You”. You really have to hand it to Rihanna for being so incredibly hot that she makes that dress work.

And Quizno’s has once again done it in the commercial department with their Flatbread Sammies ad.

Two people from Grey’s Anatomy are here to present the award for Country Female Artist:

Martina McBride
Taylor Swift
Carrie Underwood

Carrie Underwood wins, to no one’s surprise, and she’d like to thank the fans, all of the record company people, God and musicians for making music. Except for Soulja Boy, who’s single-handedly ruining music. You’re preaching to the choir, Carrie Underwood.

We will be talking about this tomorrow, apparently, as Sugarland are performing a hick cover of Beyoncé’s “Irreplaceable”. There’s the cowboy hat I was talking about, and here comes Beyoncé for the duet, and American Music Awards producers, you are mistaken, as I will not be talking about this tomorrow.

Beyoncé’s less attractive sister Solange, some guy and Kirk Franklin are here to present the award for Adult Contemporary Artist, and Kirk Franklin sure is little. The nominees:

Daughtry
Norah Jones
John Mayer

Daughtry wins again, and he’s glad he won again because he forgot to thank his band during the first speech. What a dick. One of the guys in the band thanks Michael McDonald, while the other thanks his wife, and another thanks Duran Duran.

We get some vintage footage of The Afghan Hound in preparation of her appearance later on in the show, and Jesus Christ, guys, just get it over with already. This is like waiting to get my wisdom teeth pulled.

Jimmy Kimmel’s just waiting for something crazy to happen, like someone getting drunk and turning over tables. Here’s the perfect guy for that in Josh Groban to introduce The Afghan Hound, who seems to be going to the same tanning bed as the Orange Goblin. After a relatively boring performance by The Afghan Hound, we get Lenny Kravitz at the piano, as I’m wondering what rock he’s been under, as well as if he’ll ever start rocking the dreads again, and/or will ever start just plain rocking again. It’s kind of distressing to see Lenny Kravitz performing live and having someone else play guitar.

Here’s Natasha Bedingfield and Sean Kingston, who’s really milking that whole looking-like-Biggie thing. The nominees for Soul/R&B Album are:

Beyonce – B’Day
R. Kelly – Double Up
Justin Timberlake – FutureSex/LoveSounds

After struggling with the envelope, it’s revealed that Justin Timberlake is the winner, and once again we get a lame, pre-recorded acceptance speech, clocking in at a hefty two seconds.

We get vintage footage of Michael Jackson and Eddie Murphy, doing their own version of “Ebony and Ivory”, as well as Ozzie swearing and being confused.

Here are Mel B. and Jennie Garth with that Greek guy from Dancing With the Stars to introduce Chris Brown, performing “Kiss Kiss”. He’s wearing a black body suit lined with luminescent white strips, and some break-dancing ensues, and seems to be using Cher’s voice transformer thing. We’re then treated to three guys suspended by cords dancing on a ceiling. That was pretty cool.

Here’s Miley Cyrus, much to the elation of the bouncing teenage girls. Has anyone else noticed that Miley Cyrus has the voice of a 30-something smoker? The T-Mobile Text-In Award for Favorite Artist goes to Carrie Underwood, who gives a quick acceptance speech, and I’m really not looking forward to another hour of this crap.

But wait… Vanessa Hudgens is out with Ashley Tisdale is present the award for Pop/Rock Album. The nominees are:

Daughtry – Daughtry
Linkin Park – Minutes to Midnight
Justin Timberlake – FutureSex/Love Sounds

Daughtry wins yet again, thankfully sparing us from yet another crappy Justin Timberlake phoned-in speech. The one guy who had earlier thanked Michael McDonald thanks his large-breasted girlfriend. Well, that’s nice.

Blair Underwood is here to introduce Alicia Keys, and she performs her new single, “No One”. She’s behind the piano, but we still get a very nice shot of her ass, but WAIT… she’s up and about and dancing ever so sexily before we get a run-ins from Sizzla (I think) Chaka Demus (without Pliers), Barrington Levy (I’m pretty sure) and Beenie Man, the last of which gets bleeped. Sorry, but I’m not too good with identifying reggae singers.

Jimmy Kimmel asks Beyoncé if she ever get tired of her dad coming to her functions, to which he doesn’t look too amused. Here’s Tony Hawk to introduce Duran Duran, who perform their new track, “Falling Down”. It’s not a bad song, and is in the vein of “Ordinary World”. I’d really like to see them collaborating with someone like Fischerspooner or Felix Da Housecat over Justin Timberlake, but I’ll take it what I can get. Apparently the public were able to vote to determine what other song the band was going to play, and it’s “Hungry Like the Wolf”. I would have voted for “The Chauffeur” or “The Wild Boys”, but again, I’l take what I can get.

Here are Slash and Scott Weiland to present the award for Country Album, because Scott was country way before it was considered cool. If he’s alluding to his heavy drug and alcohol use, that’s pretty funny. If he’s alluding to the country flavor in such classic STP songs as “Creep” and “Interstate Love Song”, that’s pretty astute. Here are your nominees:

Tim McGraw – Let It Go
Rascal Flatts – Me and My Gang
Carrie Underwood – Some Hearts

Carrie Underwood is the winner, as she points out the craziness of Scott Weiland and Slash presenting her with an award.

Usher is here, and he looks really uninterested, but WAIT… I’m an ass. He was looking somber to honor Kanye West’s mother. Oops. Beyoncé wins the International Artist Award, which is strange because this is the American Music Awards and she’s an American national. We get a montage of her evolving hotness and popularity, and she’s getting choked up as she accepts the award. Her father is shown in the audience, as well as Rihanna and her less attractive sister Solange. Poor Solange… she doesn’t even get an accent mark.

Here’s Snoop Dogg to introduce Mary J. Blige, and she performs “Just Fine”, from her new album. You’ve really got to hand it to her for still having it.

Here’s the choad known as Kid Rock to present the award for Rap/Hip-Hop Band, Duo or Group, for which the nominees are:

Bone Thugs-N-Harmony
Pretty Ricky
Shop Boyz

Bone Thugs-N-Harmony win, and rightfully so, as they’re the closest thing to good rap music of that group. Mr. Sawed-Off accepts the award, as Bizzie and Wish couldn’t be here, but he brought some of his Mo Thugs friends to… oh come on, does anyone really care? Luckily I’ve only got another half-hour of this crap, because it’s really starting to wear on me. I don’t remember it being this boring last year.

Here’s TELEVISION AND MOVIE STAR Amanda Bynes to introduce Queen Latifah, who sings “I Know Where I’ve Been”, from Hairspray, along with a gospel choir. It’s odd to think that this is the same person who performed “UNITY”, but nonetheless, this was one of the best performances of the night.

And out comes Akon with his trench coat to present the award for Soul/R&B Female Artist. The nominees, all of whom go by one name, are:

Beyoncé
Fantasia
Rihanna

Rihanna’s the winner, and she is just fantastic. She didn’t expect to be nominated for this award, and especially didn’t expect to beat Beyoncé. Suffice it to stay that Solange is probably loving that.

Jimmy Kimmel asks us who has the best-selling album of the entire year, and it’s not the Mighty Mighty Bosstones. HA! He introduces Daughtry, who perform an acoustic version of “Home” (complete with the violin superfecta). No way in Hell they had the best-selling album of the year. This performance, however, was pretty good.

Gene Simmons is here to present the award for Pop/Rock Female Artist, and looking at the nominees, this is an absolute joke. The nominees are:

Beyoncé
Fergie
Avril Lavigne

WOW… Beyoncé gets the shaft yet again as it’s Fergie winning the award. For those of you who voted for her, I hope you felt like idiots when she missed that one note. She looks like she just crawled out of bed, and thanks a whole slew of people, including will.i.am, for selling out.

Jimmy Kimmel thanks Promises rehab center for letting many of the audience members attend despite being admitted to the place. And that’s a wrap. While most of the performances were relatively hohum, there were a few good ones that are probably being uploaded to YouTube as I type this. I suggest checking out the Duran Duran and Rihanna performances before they get yanked by the copyright goons.

TORONTO—On a night that was supposed to be about returning Pumpkins that Smashed, Sunday’s Virgin Music Festival in Toronto turned out to be all and only about The Killers.

The Las Vegas quartet who have said that The Smashing Pumpkins were one of their musical influences easily outdid their returning muses by electrifying the crowd with new and old hits alike, and served as the final act before Billy Corgan et al took the stage.

Frontman Brandon Flowers, sporting a new “moustache,” seemed especially into the performance, belting out the last song with as much energy and gusto as the first.

This was in sharp contrast to The Smashing Pumpkins’ ho-hum performance, which clearly did not live up to the hype of the more than 25,000 fans in attendance. Despite a brilliant set-up with bright lights swirling around them, the Pumpkins’ set opened with what seemed like a game of Guitar Hero as the band basically just seemed to play instrumental riff after riff. It was almost as if they were practicing in a garage instead of in front of Toronto’s biggest music crowd of the year. Although the band started slow, slight shades of their former selves began to shine with their unique rendition of the Canadian national anthem and an uptempo version of “Bullet With Butterfly Wings”. The crowd’s pleas for “Tonight, Tonight” were finally answered midway through the performance and this finally seemed to win over festival attendees who had waited seven years to hear the band again. Although James Iha and Melissa Auf Der Maur did not participate in the reunion, new band members Jeff Schroeder and Ginger Reyes did a better-than-you’d-expect job in replacement. Jimmy Chamberlain was flawless as usual on the drums.

The festival showed remarkable improvement from its inaugural edition last year. Every act hit the stage at their allotted time (or as close to it as you could get) and the organization of each of the four stages was perfect.

In addition to the Killers, one of the weekend’s highlights was the Bacardi B-Live stage, which featured a nightclub environment, dance music and some of the top DJ’s around. This was designed as an alternative and intentional option for any non-rock fans in attendance at the Virgin Music Festival, according to Bacardi Canada group brand manager Lisa Jazwinski.

“To put ourselves at V-Fest, where we are definitely very unique from everything, we stand out from the crowd,” she said.

Jazwinski explained that there was a specific focus for the stage which featured sizzling performances from Princess Superstar (pictured above) on Saturday and Sean Miller and Dirty Vegas on Sunday as well as free samples of Bacardi’s signature mojito.

“The entire concept is having an area for the audience to experience both amazing musical talent, sensory overload (not just from the music but from visuals that are choreographed with the music) and expert cocktail mixology,” she said. “For B-Live at V-Fest, it’s all about giving the audience at V-Fest another experience that is very unique to the whole V-Fest environment.”

Other acts that played on Sunday included The Constantines on the Future Shop stage, and The Red Romance and The Postage Stamps on the Budweiser platform.

Acts that preceded Sunday’s The Killers and The Smashing Pumpkins on the main stage included Metric, Stars, Tokyo Police Club and Louis XIV. All delivered standout performances and the Festival did not seem to suffer at all from the loss of Amy Winehouse who cancelled all North American appearances earlier this summer.

The rumored rain that was supposed to arrive never really got started and just like the entire weekend, it appeared that everything happened without a hitch.

The Virgin Music Festival returns to Toronto next year.

(Pictured: Smashing Pumpkins, Princess Superstar Photo Credit: Carrie Musgrave, Bacardi)

The show opens up with an EXCLUSIVE performance by that person that I’ve sworn off writing about in The SMonday Swindle Sheet. Even though this isn’t The SMonday Swindle Sheet, I’ll keep it at a minimum by saying that she looked a bit less svelte than usual, and very awkward, and if this was supposed to be a comeback performance, it certainly didn’t cut the mustard. The song wasn’t even that good. Looks as if Rihanna’s having some laughs at her expense, and 50 Cent looks really confused. And that’s not all that he looks like…

And we are LIVE from The Palms in Las Vegas. Your host is Sarah Silverman, and 50 Cent again looks confused. Britney’s kids are the most adorable mistakes you’ll ever see. They’re as cute as the hairless vagina from which they came out.

Alicia Keys is here, as it’s apparently the BIGGEST NIGHT OF THE YEAR. That’s an awkward silence, there. THat think I might have even some tumbleweed fly by the background. Well, it is in the middle of the desert. But somebody please throw her a bone out there. Kanye West is performing in his own private room upstairs, while Justin Timberlake and Timbaland are hosting the Southern Hospitality Party, Pete Wentz is hosting a Friends and Enemies Party, and his mic is broken. Maybe this is the best night of the year.

Here are Nicole Scherzinger and Eve. The nominees for Monster Single of the Year are:

The Repugnant Shunt “Girlfriend”
Fall Out Boy “Thnks fr th Mmrs” (because apparently emo kids don’t like vowels)
Rihanna f/Jay-Z “Umbrella” (ella)
Some Other Song That I Didn’t Catch
MIMS “This Is Why I Suck” (oops… I accidentally just typed what I was thinking instead of the actual title of the song)
Plain White T’s “Hey There Delilah”
Shop Boyz “Party Like a Rockstar”
Daughtry “Home”
T-Pain f/Yung Joc “Buy U a Drank (Shawty Snappin’)”
Timbaland f/A Whole Mess of People “The Way I Are”

Rihanna’s “Umbrella” is the winner, and she notes that the trophy is heavy. L.A. Reid gets props, as well as Jay-Z, who threatened to throw her out of a window if she didn’t sign with Def Jam. Looks like that was a good idea after all.

Kanye’s upstairs performing that Daft Punk rip-off song, while everyone’s wearing those ridiculous venetian-blind glasses. This program is brought to you by Pepsi Smash, Taco Bell, Chevy and Rhapsody.

Here’s Akon with the Max Weinberg 7 Featuring Mark Ronson, and Akon’s the first one to get bleeped all night. Trust me, Akon, I know what it’s like.

Seth Rogan and that guy from Saturday Night Live That Isn’t Andy Samberg are here to say that YOU can decide who wins Best New Artist by texting something to somewhere. Meh…

Amy Winehouse
Lily Allen
Gym Class Heroes
Carrie Underwood
Peter, Bjorn and John

Jennifer Hudson and Robin Thicke are here to introduce the nominees for Quadruple Threat of the Year, which is awarded to singers who also do three other things besides sing. LAME. The nominees:

Beyoncé
Bono
Jay-Z (isn’t CEO and businessman the same damn thing?)
Justin Timberlake
Kanye West

Justin Timberlake is your winner, and he accepts his award amid a sea of women, as he challenges MTV to PLAY MORE VIDEOS.

Aw darn, they got Fall Out Boy’s microphones working again, as they’re performing “Thnks fr th Mmrs”. Are every single one of these performances going to take place in these small rooms instead of on the main stage? I wonder how many blowjobs that underage-looking chick in the sequin dress had to give to get here.

Foo Fighters are among the acts performing in cramped hotel suites, and has anyone else ever thought that the drummer kind of looks like a full-size midget?

Kanye and 50 are out together to present the award for Most Earth-Shattering Collaboration, and they look really uncomfortable, kind of like when you were a little kid and your grandma made you and your little sister hug for a picture on Christmas. The nominees:

Akon f/ Eminem “Smack That”
Beyoncé f/Shakira “Beautiful Liar”
Gwen Stefani f/Akon “The Sweet Escape”
Justin Timberlake f/Timbaland “SexyBack”
U2 and Green Day “The Saints Are Coming”

Interesting to note, Kanye says “and the winner is…” and just as 50’s about to say it into his mic, Kanye cuts him off and announces that it’s Beyoncé and Shakira’s “Beautiful Liar”. Hilarious. While Shakira’s not here, Beyoncé thanks her, saying that she’s not able to be here because she’s in Canada. Isn’t that why Trevor Presiloski’s not here, too?

Adam Levine is singing with the Max Weinberg 7 Featuring Mark Ronson, and he looks like an absolute choad. Maybe Maria Sharapova will sleep with me, because while I’m no adonis, I’m certainly not a choad.

T.I. is performing in the Justin Timbaland room, and here’s Rosario Dawson telling you to go to MTV.com in case you missed anything from the show. She also introduces ONE OF THE BIGGEST STARS IN THE WORLD—Chris Brown. He’s performs “Wall to Wall”, and he’s doing a Charlie Chaplin homage at the beginning to the song, before tearing off the mustache and CUTTING A RUG. Just when I start to get really irritated, here’s Rihanna with those fantastic legs to save the day. Memo to Eric S.: being a fan of legs (i.e., Stacy Keibler), you should really look into some Rihanna footage. BUT WAIT… Rihanna’s gone, and Chris Brown’s back with an impression of Jacko dancing to “Billie Jean” before finishing up with the end of “Wall to Wall”. That right there was one hell of a Chinese Firedrill, as Nelly looks completely confused by everything. Even his little Band-Aid on his cheek looks confused.

Soulja Boy is in the Kanye West Room, performing that horrible song that sucks more balls than that Lottery machine that sucks the balls into the tube so the person drawing them can turn the numbers toward the camera. And that thing sucks a lot of balls.

The sluts from The Hills are here to present the award for Male Artist of the Year. The nominees:

Akon
Robin Thicke
T.I.
Justin Timberlake
Kanye West

And YOUR winner is Justin Timberlake, as he comes up to the stage with Timbaland, who grabs the trophy from the sluts and presents it to Timberlake himself. Good show, old man. Justin still wants MTV to play more videos. I agree, but when Tila Tequila is getting her own reality show (where 16 lesbians and 16 straight guys have to compete for her bisexual love), I think that the network’s pretty much stumbled past the point of no return.

Cee-Lo is singing “Darling Nikki”, with the Foo Fighters as his backing band, and that’s awesome. This guy kicks all shades of ass. I can say “ass”, can’t I, Widro? Come on, if the University of Phoenix is going to turn down ad space because I said “ass,” then the University of Phoenix can kiss my ass. Meanwhile, 50 Cent is out of his suit and back in his streetwear (including the ubiquitous condom hat), as he’s performing in the Justin Timbaland Room.

Shia LaBouf is here, and the new Indiana Jones film will be called The Secret of the Crystal Skull or something like that. The nominees for Female Artist of the Year are:

Beyoncé
Fergie
Nelly Furtado
Rihanna
Amy Winehouse

Fergie is the winner, and she’s not here to accept her award, so Ludacris will accept… no, wait, he won’t. So Shia LaBouf is bumped off the stage quickly so Pam Anderson can introduce Kanye West’s performance of “Good Life”… featuring T-Pain. Ooh, that’s rough.

Lil Weezy is in the Fall Out Boy Room, and that right there, ladies and germs, is YOUR biggest fustercluck of the night.

Linkin Park is in the Justin Timbaland Room, as Mike Shinoda is the second person to get bleeped.

Kevin Connolly and Adrian Grenier are here is present the award for Best Group. Isn’t this supposed to be for particular videos? What’s the deal with these broad awards? Can this thing become any more of a mess? The nominees:

Fall Out Boy
Gym Class Heroes
Linkin Park
Maroon 5
The White Stripes

Fall Out Boy is the winner, and they’re happy that kids are picking up guitars to start crappy bands of their own, because it makes Fall Out Boy’s crappy music seem better. Well, I guess that’s one way of looking at it.

Serj Tankian is in the Foo Fighters Room, and he’s no doubt angry about something. Meanwhile, Rihanna is in the Fall Out Boy Room, and her hair is kind of similar to Pete Wentz’s, except she’s a girl, so she doesn’t look like a boner.

And here’s Nelly with a Solo cup full of beer, and he introduces Alicia Keys, who performs “No One”. She is hot tamales, but it seems as if she’s a bit off-key today. Of all people to be off-key, it sucks that the one person whose name is Keys would be the one. But wait… she regroups and it’s a cover of “Freedom ‘90″, complete with gospel choir. That’s good stuff.

Let us take you back to the Kanye West room, where Common is performing. Interesting to note has recently eliminated swear words from all of his songs. Believe me, Common, I know what it’s like.

The Gym Class Heroes are in the Fall Out Boy Room doing something that I don’t care about.

Jamie Foxx and Jennifer Garner are here, Jamie Foxx needs to bring it down a notch. He gets bleeped, and believe me, Jamie Foxx… ah, never mind. They’re out to present that award for Best New Artist. I think I’d be entertaining if Peter, Bjorn and John won because of all the indie kids that would whine because they’ve been making music for over 5 years. But no, Gym Class Heroes are your winners, and Jamie Foxx starts jawing with The Ad Hoc Award-Demanding Trouser Stain. Please, Jamie, kick the crap out of him.

That one Miss Teen USA chick who went on a long rambling speech about maps and South Africa is here to make fun of herself and tell you to vote for your favorite VMA moments at MTV.com.

Daniel Merriweather is singing that terrible Smiths rip-off with the Max Weinberg 7 Featuring Mark Ronson, and luckily it gets pulled pretty quickly so that we can have Mary J. Blige to introduce THE MOST IMPORTANT PRODUCER OF OUR TIME. Mathan will not be happy about this one, as it’s Dr. Dre, and he’d better watch out for any Suge Knight acolytes that might be hiding in the audience. Detox is coming eventually, but for now he’ll be announcing the Video of the Year. The nominees:

Beyoncé “Irreplaceable”
Justice “D.A.N.C.E.”
Rihanna f/Jay-Z “Umbrella”
Justin Timberlake “What Goes Around… Comes Around”
Kanye West “Stronger”
Amy Winehouse “Rehab”

Rihanna is the winner, and Kanye is thankfully nowhere to be seen. She forgot to thank her management earlier, so they get props now.

The Ad Hoc Award-Demanding Trouser Stain is here with Yung Joc. The party won’t be over until Diddy says it’s over. Shut up, Diddy. Seriously. You are a waste of skin. Luckily his speech gets cut short and it’s Josh Homme and company in the Foo Fighters Room.

Oops… spoke too soon. The Ad Hoc Award-Demanding Trouser Stain is back with Nelly to introduce a Timbaland medley, starting with Nelly Furtado, and some guy’s head gets in the shot. It’s kind of like that bootleg of Fahrenheit 9/11 that I bought from that guy in Chinatown. Here comes Timbaland, and Keri Hilson is here for a rendition of “The Way I Are”, and here’s that other guy to perform “Lovestoned”, as it’s become evident that he and Timbaland can’t be apart for too long. Poor Magoo… not only did Timbaland pretty much quit him like a bad habit, but now he has to watch Timbaland partying it up all night with his replacement. Magoo never got that kind of love.

That’s the end of the show. Sway will be hosting the after-party, and I will be taking a pass on that. This show was as a whole pretty lame, and the performance that was supposed to be the comeback for you-know-who ended up being a flaming pile of crap. Plus, the separate parties idea kind of took away from the awards show, as it was too much stuff going on all at one time.

Cheers
-JF2k7!

TORONTO—We’re not Virgins anymore.

The Virgin Music Festival returned to Canada today for its second stint at Toronto’s Island Park.

With the crowd steadily filling in as the afternoon wore on, it took almost no time at all for the park to be consumed by excited music lovers.

The show began strongly as one of the first acts on the Virgin Mobile main stage was a notable highlight. Smoothly crooning to the crowd and undoubtedly one of the best performances of the day, Paolo Nutini warmed up the festival’s early attendees, who politely applauded with their approval. The Scottish singer/songwriter’s polite response was in obvious contrast to the ruckus performances by Arctic Monkeys and Bjork which drew loud cheers.

k-os added a different feel to the festival line-up. In sharp contrast to last year’s inclusion of Gnarls Barkley, the predominantly rock-garnered throng responded loudly to the hip-hop artist’s calls for affirmation from the crowd.

As the opening acts took the main stage, there was also plenty of other music available for virtually any music fan with four musical acts playing on four different stages throughout the day. In addition to the main platform, the festival also featured the Future Shop, the Bacardi B-LIVE and the Budweiser stages.

The Future Shop stage hosted hot acts including Enter Shakiri. The English group took home four awards at the Kerrang! Magazine Music Awards including Best British Band, and Best Live Band also won the Best Album award for their independent release Take to the Skies, which went to #4 on the UK album chart.

The Bacardi B-LIVE stage included prominent disc jockeys which included DJ Dopey, Tommie Sunshine and Princess Superstar.

The Budweiser stage featured upcoming acts like Crowned King, Sybris and The Reason.

Other Future Shop stage acts included Jon Levine Band, Dragonette, The Wildbirds Voxtrot and Mute Math.

The best act of the day was undoubtedly the English act of M.I.A. (aka Maya Arulpragasam). Her unique fusion of house, electro and rap music left most of the crowd stunned.

The remarkable growth of the Festival cannot be understated. 35,000 people are expected to take in the weekend event which continues tomorrow with acts including the recently-reborn Smashing Pumpkins, The Killers, Metric, Stars and Tokyo Police Club.

New initiatives launched for the 2007 edition include Virgin Mobile’s steady and continuing commitment to a carbon-free environment. One of the main features of the environmentally-friendly plan involves costumed players standing on a green and black chessboard. Bands, celebrities and concertgoers call every move with each black piece representing the causes of global warming (oil rigs, trash and even lobbyists) and each white piece representing the actions needed to defeat the causes (solar power, recycling and bikes). The Festival also features the TRASHed Recycle Store, where attendees can trade recyclable items for prizes.

Other opening day highlights include a Dentyne kissing booth, a Calvin Klein scavenger hunt and Motorola giving fans the chance to dress up as their favorite celebrities.

Saturday’s show was headlined by a memorable performance from one of its most memorable featured artists, Björk.

More information on the Festival is available at VirginFestival.ca

(Pictured: Paolo Nutini, M.I.A., Photo Credit: Carrie Musgrave)

If you are like most Americans, then you probably didn’t watch the 49th Annual Grammy Awards on Sunday evening. So, here is a wrap-up of all the self-congratulations you missed.

The show opened on a promising note when the heavily pre-publicized Police reunion rocked “Roxanne”—only to be ruined by Jamie Foxx’s horrible jokes and ego before going on to give Tony Bennett and Stevie Wonder the Grammy for Best Pop Collaboration. A shocker came when the legend that is Tony Bennett thanked Target Superstores in his acceptance speech. This actually got me thinking about the wonderful songs that were going to be ruined tonight, not on the stage, but in the products being forced on me during the commercials. So, here is my 2007 Grammy Commercial Song Brutalization Sub-Wrap-Up:

* Beatles sold me Target
* Iron Butterfly let me know about Fidelity Investments
* Jimi Hendrix pushed a Verizon phone on me
* Iggy Pop wanted me to take a cruise
* A bizarre rewrite of “Wraith Pinned to the Mist and Other Games” by Of Montreal told me to go to Outback Steakhouse tonight
* Squeeze “tempted” me to drink Heineken
* The Spencer Davis Group and Dennis Hopper explained retirement opportunities in an Ameriprise commercial
* And a perfect prophetic bookend, Barry Mann’s “Shape of Things to Come” was brought to me by Target

Back to the show, I was almost done with my first Fat Tire Beer, I don’t recommend watching award shows without strong drink, when the Dixie Chicks took the stage and performed well. Nothing I couldn’t see anywhere else.

Prince then got paid way too much and I am sure was given a very ample presenter’s swag basket for saying the one word: Beyoncé. She was very boring, except for the sheer backlit dress she wore, in what one could call a Steven Spielberg-directed song—as in, you saw it coming from a mile away, it built to a predictable climax, and it left the viewer pretty hohum.

The Black Eyed Peas sauntered on-stage, Fergie’s face looked like it had been pulverized by a meat tenderizer and, in a show of just how quickly Hollywood is running out of unique fashion ideas, one of the members of BEP painted his right ear a silver diamond shimmer. Booker T. and the MG’s won a lifetime achievement award, one of many lifetime achievement awards to be handed out that night. Mary J. Blige won for Best Breakthrough R&B Performance and gave a rambling acceptance speech.

Queen Latifah came out and let us know that the Grammys had been turned into a reality TV show by having three “unknowns” compete to perform with Justin Timberlake. The viewers at home were going to vote on who they think should win. We were given a one second sound bit of each girl and were somehow suppose to decipher their talents based on that. Yet, we saw their pictures while the voice over explained what was going on. Therefore, proving once again it ain’t your voice they’re looking for.

Justin Timberlake then introduced himself, in what seemed like the first of eight times he would perform that night. Which was kind of ironic that he was the star of the Grammys, yet he didn’t win a single televised Grammy. In Justin’s pre-taped introduction of himself he explained how the song he was about to sing is his best and most personal BECAUSE A FRIEND OF HIS WENT THROUGH THE THEMES THE SONG TALKS ABOUT. And no, it’s not a death of a loved one, the political turmoil in Africa, or even stolen credit card identity. It was about losing a girl. For his second song—yes, the Police got one and J.T. got two—Justin sang to himself through the fish-eye lens of a digital camera, making him look more like a strung-out teenager than his character in Alpha Dog ever could.

Pink and T.I. let us know that The Doors won a lifetime achievement award. And then Mary J. Blige won again for Female R&B artist and kept her speech very short, making up for her last one. Stevie Wonder then introduced a three way between John Legend, John Mayer and Corinne Bailey Rae. He did point out the fact that they were competing against one another yet playing together. What kind of a business is this where special attention has to be made when three people can set their egos aside and play together? I, and most of America, have to set my ego aside everyday when I go to work. Corinne Bailey Rae performed well, and so did John Legend. John Mayer, on a very perverse other hand, looked like he was physically masturbating on stage. He is a breathtaking guitar player, but he knows it and it makes me sick. I can type 80 words a minute when I am in the groove, but I don’t make orgasmic faces when I do it. Lo and behold, he wins the Best Pop Vocal Album and comes on stage looking like Edward Scissorhands. He mumbles a few words and walks away. Thanks for that, John.

Finally, an actual highlight. Shakira and Wyclef Jean performed “Hips Don’t Lie” and, God forbid, actually looked like they were enjoying themselves. Shakira had an honest smile on her face as she hula-ed all over the stage and she was having fun. Wyclef resembled a drunken uncle at the family picnic when the kids put on music.

Seal and the corpse of Burt Bacharach (I spelled that right on the first try, no foolin’) gave the Industry Icons Award to Jerry Moss and Herb Alpert—the Tijuana Brass will have to wait. Then, as a sign of things to come, the Dixie Chicks won their first award for Song of the Year. They had a small percentage of America watching, the floor was theirs, and they blew it. I didn’t expect them to say anything about Bush but they just giggled and tossed their hair. It was a very empty speech.

In a CBS plug, the gals from How I Met Your Mother gave The Grateful Dead a lifetime achievement award. I’m pretty sure I won a Lifetime Achievement Award at some point in the night. This brings me to a point. These artists like The Doors (most of whom are alive) and The Grateful Dead (most of whom are alive) and the others who won lifetime awards didn’t perform. Shouldn’t they be honored by playing for all of America? Then Gnarls Barkley played “Crazy” in the subdued manner I have seen seven other times. For once in my life, I would like a curtain to drop and NOT have a choir hidden behind it.

Common and Kayne West had a bit about Kanye’s ego then gave Ludacris Rap Album of the Year. Terrence Howard, who sounds like he is perpetually about to cry, gave Maria Callas a Lifetime Achievement Award and introduced Mary J. Blige. She was unbelievable, blowing away Beyoncé’s performance; few would challenge the soul and emotion that she released on the stage that night.

Mandy Moore, Luke Wilson and LeAnn Rimes gave The Dixie Chicks their next award. Again, they just thanked Rick Rubin—who, if I am not mistake, produced every album recorded last year—and giggled. The short, chubby one did Nelson’s laugh from The Simpsons, I guess in response to everyone who burned their CD, but the joke was lost. The tall one said she has no regrets, but still, they had a forum to perhaps change the minds of the old fans and decided not to use it.

Carrie Underwood and Rascal Flatts performed a tribute to Bob Wills and the Eagles. Carrie kept it very simple, singing a wonderful version of “Rose of San Antonio”. Rascal Flatts decided to kill “Hotel California” and “Life in the Fast Lane”. Carrie carried the performance with “Desperado”.

Ornette Coleman was given a Lifetime Achievement Award and Carrie Underwood won Best New Artist. Then a perfect metaphor for what is wrong in music today came on stage. Smokey Robinson performed “Take a Good Look at My Face”, which I did, and it scared me. His face was pulled so tight he constantly looked surprised and/or possessed. His voice, however, was perfect. Then Lionel Richie sang “Hello”, just alone at a piano. Two wonderful masters of music singing their best songs. To end this musical montage of greatness, Chris Brown charged on stage in a plume of smoke, glided down a slide, “stomped the yard”, and jumped on a trampoline. He sang for less than a minute. He had a gaggle of friends on stage jumping around, the stairs were flashing, and smoke bombs were going off; music was the background noise of this performance.

An orange Christina Aguilera, and I can’t believe I am saying this, stole the show with a passionate “It’s a Man’s World”, James Brown tribute. I was honestly speechless, she was honoring before parodying, and making a tribute not a comparison. She still looks like a transvestite though.

Moving on, there was the In Memory list were you find out how successful you were in life by a simple equation of If They Used A Sound Clip + Length of Screen Time + Placement Near End Of Montage. This year’s winner was James Brown and in a goose bump moment, a tuxedoed man came on stage and placed the glittered cape over a solitary microphone.

Ludacris performed “Runaway Love” with Mary J. Blige and Earth, Wind and Fire. I was blown away. I had never heard this song before, so I may be biased, but it was past the time for a male rapper to sing a song about the need for females to get strong; to not be objects any longer.

James Blunt then performed and sucked any life Ludacris may have breathed into the auditorium. During the commercial break, Prince thanked America for watching him perform at the Super Bowl. I am so confused, a joke can’t even form.

Robin won the silly little contest and performed with Justin Timberlake. She was talented, but there was too much confidence and stage presence to make me believe that she was just some unknown. The only unprofessional part about her was that she didn’t take into account that she would be singing on a catwalk in such a short skirt. The miscreants pressed against the stage tried their best for a good look.

The Dixie Chicks won Record of the Year and then they went to commercial promising a Chili Peppers performance everyone would be talking about tomorrow. If by talking about how lame it was, then they were right. One of the most hard-rocking, senseless, passionate bands in history plays a slow ballad and at the end a lot of ticker tape falls from the sky.

The ceremony is slowly deflating as the Red Hot Chili Peppers win for Best Rock Album. Don Henley’s hair and Scarlett Johansson’s cleavage gave the Dixie Chicks Album of the Year. But do not fret, for Scarlett Johansson is in studio creating her first masterpiece.

How do I wrap this up? The actual awards were boring, the live performances were above average if not actually entertaining, but there were no surprises. Television award shows are safe now. Short of The Police, no classic musicians played, the classics were covered and destroyed, but why not just have the greats perform? Why not bring on Neil Young or Elvis Costello? They were, in fact, both nominated. The producers can’t understand why no one watches these self-congratulatory ceremonies and it is because I can go on YouTube and watch Carrie Underwood sing her song in the same manner and style she did tonight without the filler. What we need is the inimitable moments of musical realization that only a live performance can offer. We need a reason to tune in and this year, as with most award shows in most years past, did not provide us with one. I will not accept the fact that just because they are performing I should tune in. I will also not consent to paying fifty dollars to see them, barely, in concert and have them stand on stage for an hour playing worse than their album sounds. I’ll save what that is for my next article.

Beyoncé opens up the show with a performance of “Irreplaceable”, and she could actually come out and just dry heave for three minutes, but she’s so gorgeous that I don’t think anyone would mind. She teases some poor guy but then pulls out the drawstring from his hoodie and gives it to another guy in the audience. BeyoncOWNED.

Carrie Underwood follows up with a very good performance of “Jesus Take the Wheel”, and she’s looking a whole helluva lot hotter than usual. About halfway into the song she tears off the bottom of her dress and segues into “Before He Cheats”, and that, ladies and germs, should be YOUR Best New Breakthrough Artist winner. She’s just wasted anything that the Pussycat Dolls or Chamillionaire could feasibly pull off in three minutes.

Your host is Jimmy Kimmel, and he’s glad that everyone made it through security, especially Snoop Dogg. Each winner will be allowed 90 seconds for their acceptance speech, which really ends up being 45 seconds for their acceptance speech and 45 seconds for Kanye West to storm the stage and bitch and moan about how he didn’t win. We see a Kevin Federline look-alike dropped into a crate and thrown off of a dock. That’s mildly amusing.

The real Britney Spears is out to present the award for Favorite Female Soul/R&B Artist, and it appears as if she’s gotten her groove back. The nominees…

FAVORITE FEMALE ARTIST (SOUL/R&B):
Mary J. Blige
Mariah Carey
Keyshia Cole

Mary J. Blige is the winner, and this would be her third American Music Award. They’ve shown Brian McKnight about four times already in the past fifteen minutes, so unless he does something interesting later, like kick Kanye West or that guy from Fall Out Boy in the balls, I’m going to be a wee bit disappointed. Mary thanks Our Lord and Savior Chris Benoit as well as Interscope and Geffen.

Mathan: 0
Jeff: 1
Aaron: 0

The 2006 American Music Awards are brought to you by Old Navy, Kay Jewelers, T-Mobile, YJ Stinger, and Chef Boyardee Overstuft Ravioli. I may have made up some of those.

The Cheetah Girls are out to present the Favorite Pop/Rock Album and they seem to be a less attractive version of the Pussycat Dolls minus two people. The nominees are…

FAVORITE ALBUM (POP/ROCK):
All the Right Reasons – Nickelback
Stadium Arcadium – Red Hot Chili Peppers
High School Musical Soundtrack

I’d never seen the video for “Dani California”, and being a Misfits fan I should be pissed, but since you never see footage of the Misfits on TV ever, I guess I can let it slide. Plus, I don’t mind that song. Nickelback wins. This is Nickelback’s first Amercian Music Award, and hopefully their last, because they suck. Chad Kroeger looks like a giant walking talking poodle. He thought the Chili Peppers were going to win, too. I should get half credit for that.

Mathan: 0
Jeff: 1
Aaron: 0

Tony Hawk is out to introduce the Pussycat Dolls, who perform “Loosen Up My Buttons”. I really don’t much like the music of the Pussycat Dolls, but I enjoy watching them perform, because it’s a lot cheaper than going to a strip club. I also don’t recall them being this hot before. Must be something in the water.

Josh Groban is out to perform a new song from his album, Awake, which is ironic, because by the sound of it, this song would be a damn good cure for insomnia.

The stars of High School Musical are out to present Favorite Rap/Hip-Hop Band, Duo or Group. Their soundtrack is the best selling album of 2006. Bullshit.

FAVORITE BAND, DUO OR GROUP (RAP/HIP-HOP):
Black Eyed Peas
Dem Franchize Boyz
Three 6 Mafia

The Black Eyed Peas are the winners, and they are live via satellite from Costa Rica, where they are performing a concert tonight. It actually looks more like they’re sitting in the green room backstage. Seriously, it looks like a generic backdrop that you’d see on The Bozo Show.

Mathan: 0
Jeff: 2
Aaron: 1

Mario Lopez and two random hot young’uns are out to introduce Nelly Furtado, who is performing, FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME EVER, “Say It Right”. This whole thing looks like a mix between a Sprockets outtake and a recruitment video for a religious cult. There’s some beatbox guy who looks a lot like the shitstarter Lil Jon, but he’s not shouting unintelligible things at the top of his lungs, so I’m led to believe it’s not him. He seems a bit out of place in the whole thing. Meanwhile, Terence Trent D’Arby has a guitar solo, as the look-alike quota has already been met for the entire broadcast. Nelly Furtado would get the dillsnick, and FUCK… stop showing Paris Hilton. That’s exactly what she wants, you idiots.

JC Chasez is out with some chick and they’re here to present the award for Favorite Male Rap/Hop-Hop Artist…

FAVORITE MALE ARTIST (RAP/HIP-HOP):
Eminem
T.I.
Kanye West

…which is immediately trivialized by the lack of clips or screenshots, and further trivialized when Eminem, who wins, is not here to accept the award, and Kanye West isn’t here, either, to storm the stage and bitch and moan like a whiny cunt. They really rushed through this one, as either Terence Trent D’Arby’s guitar solo ran too long or they knew that none of the nominees were in attendance.

Mathan: 0
Jeff: 2
Aaron: 2

Billy Ray Cyrus is out with his daughter to thank the fans who watch his show and bought his daughter’s album, and just present the damn award already… Nominees for Favorite Country Band are Brooks and Dunn, Montgomery Gentry, and Rascal Flatts. I left this one out of the roundtable on account of none of us have much of a frame of reference. Rascal Flatts are the winners, and they (along with Beyoncé, Mary J. Blige, Daniel Powter, and the Pussycat Dolls) are also nominated for the T-Mobile Fake Award For Jerks, where you text in who you want to win and they apparently receive some sort of ad hoc T-Mobile award at the end. Has Diddy heard about this? If not, I’m sure he’d be upset. Good.

The black guy, the hot chick, and the other guy from Grey’s Anatomy are out to introduce Snow Patrol, as Botter’s got to be creaming his jeans right about now. Easy, JJ, just remember the time when you went to SXSW and people kept asking you about Aaron Cameron? That’ll balance it all out. The lead singer’s got the autistic kid rocking-back-and-forth thing going on. No wonder the emo kids love these guys!

Apparently, during the commercial break, Jay-Z retired again, but luckily he then came out of retirement again.

Here’s Ryan Seacrest with the LIVE American premiere of Gwen Stefani performing some song from her new album. This thing will more than likely be a big steaming pile of shit. Yep… she’s yodeling and rapping over a rehashed version of the beat from “Hollaback Girl”. All of the female dancers are wearing maternity dresses, while the men have pajamas on, and everyone’s wielding giant gold keys. ??? If this is supposed to be an homage to Shirley Bassey, I really hope she doesn’t see it, because it will cause her to die, and then after she is buried she will roll over in her grave. Good god, this is just dreadful. No wonder she’s going back to No Doubt.

Here’s Jay-Z to perform the first single from his new album, Kingdom Come, and this is a state of emergency, which sounds about right as he’s been reduced to aping Wreckx-N-Effect. Actually, I can see how this track might grow on you after a while, but athlete’s foot grows on you after a while, too, I guess. HOV is the first one to get bleeped all night, and he just got Pwn3d by the FCC.

Chingy and Gavin Rossdale are out to present the award for Favorite Pop/Rock Band, Duo or Group. The nominees…

FAVORITE BAND, DUO OR GROUP (POP/ROCK):
Nickelback
Pussycat Dolls
Red Hot Chili Peppers

Red Hot Chili Peppers are the winners, and they are live via satellite from London, where they’re currently on tour. That Flea fellow is one crazy motherf*cker, as he and Chad Smith beatbox while Anthony Kiedis gives a short acceptance speech. Flea needs to be in more movies.

Mathan: 0
Jeff: 2
Aaron: 2

Vanessa Williams is out to present a Diamond Reflection Moment From Kay Jewelers, and it’s a clip of the Dixie Chicks from 1999. I’m sure it’s been said before, but Natalie Maines totally looks like a pug.

Flava Flav climbs out of a giant bassinet, and you can read Jamie Foxx’s lips as he says, “oh f*ck,” which is what we’re all thinking.

William Shatner and Sarah Silverman are out to present the award for Favorite Pop/Rock Male Artist. Hilarity does not ensue, so I feel robbed. The nominees…

FAVORITE MALE ARTIST (POP/ROCK):
Nick Lachey
Sean Paul
Kanye West

The winner is Sean Paul, and he looks an awful lot like that Kevin Federline look-a-like that got thrown off of a dock earlier.

Mathan: 0
Jeff: 2
Aaron: 2

Paris Hilton is out, and she is seriously such a waste of air. She can barely read off of the f*cking teleprompter. Hell, even Jenny Jones could do that. Paris is out to present the award for Favorite Male Soul/R&B Artist, and nominees are…

FAVORITE MALE ARTIST (SOUL/R&B):
Chris Brown
Jamie Foxx
Ne-Yo

The award goes to Oscar winner Jamie Foxx, and this is his first American Music Award. He’d like to thank everyone for supporting his music career, and gives a shout out to Chris Brown and Ne-Yo, and even he can’t tell the difference between the two.

Mathan: 0
Jeff: 2
Aaron: 3

Sharon Stone and Christian Slater are out to present the Dixie Chicks. Sharon Stone has some big-time T.H.O. going on tonight. Bless her heart. Natalie Maines does not look as puggish is she did back in 1999, but it’s still certainly there. This song was a real snoozer.

Tenacious D is out to perform a song from their new movies, The Pick of Destiny. I do not find Tenacious D to be the least bit entertaining, even if they did get bleeped.

Mary J. Blige is out to perform “We Ride (I See the Future)”, a new song from her greatest hits album that’s coming out next month. I’m not too keen on this track, and let’s hope that her older hits can sell the album, because she’s seen better days. I told you the damned thing was fixed…

Brian McKnight and Keyshia Cole are here, and I hope they’re introducing Fall Out Boy so that Brian McKnight can kick the bass player in the balls. Nope… they’re presenting the award for Favorite Contemporary Inspirational (read: Contemporary Christian) Artist. Casting Crowns, Kirk Franklin, and someone else, and it doesn’t really matter, because I’m sure Kirk Franklin will… yep, I should’ve included this one in the roundtable, because I could’ve gained ground on That_Bootleg_Guy. Kirk Franklin would like to thank his hot wife and implies that you shouldn’t thank God in your acceptance speech unless you live a life without stupid, sinful mistakes. Geez, Kirk, if we wanted to be patronized we’d go to church.

Vanessa Williams is here to show us some footage of Lionel Richie from 1985, and WOW was he huge. Here’s Nicole Richie to introduce her father, and it looks like she’s finally starting to gain some weight. It’s a good start. Much like her buddy Paris, she can’t read a teleprompter for shit. He’s performing “I Call It Love”. “All Night Long” it is not, but it beats the past few performances. Good to see he finally ditched the curl, and speak of the devil, it’s “All Night Long.” Nelly Furtado, a bunch of rich old yuppies, and some hyperactive twink in the front row are all loving it.

Kirk Franklin is out with Taylor Hicks to present the award for Favorite Soul/R&B Band, Duo and Group. I’d really like to see Kirk Franklin and Jermaine Dupri fight in a steel cage, as they’re both about 4′2″. The nominees…

FAVORITE BAND, DUO OR GROUP (SOUL/R&B):
Black Eyed Peas
The Isley Brothers
Jagged Edge

The Black Eyed Peas are the winners, and we see them once again at the set of The Bozo Show in Costa Rica. How many times do you have to say you’re in Costa Rica? That’s how you know it’s bullshit.

Mathan: 1
Jeff: 3
Aaron: 3

Here’s Babyface to introduce Fall Out Boy, and it doesn’t look like Brian McKnight is going to pull a deus ex machina, so it’s time for me to go take a dump.

Nickelback is out to do something… hopefully not sing. They’re here to present the award for Favorite New Breakthrough Artist, and the nominees are…

FAVORITE NEW BREAKTHROUGH ARTIST:
Chamillionaire
Pussycat Dolls
Carrie Underwood

Carrie Underwood is your winner, which gives me a bit of faith in the discretion of the masses. She must have had some sort of work done, because I don’t remember her ever looking this good. Her mother is apparently her date to the show tonight. Memo to Carrie Underwood: I could have gotten the night off. Maybe next time…

Mathan: 1
Jeff: 4
Aaron: 3

Sean Paul and Katherine McPhee are out to introduce Rascal Flatts, who are performing that miserable Tom Cochrane cover. Katherine McPhee is a f*cking goddess who got robbed.

Jamie Foxx dedicates his performance of “Wish U Were Here” to Gerald Levert and his mom. This guy can sing pretty damn well. And I’m not sure if anyone else notices it, but seeing Jamie Foxx’s body movements as he sings, it’s a pretty good Bill Cosby impression. Now do Carl “The Tooth” Williams!

Jessie McCartney and Ashlee Simpson are out to present the award for the T-Mobile Ad Hoc Whatever The Fuck It Is. Ashlee Simpson may see an obnoxious dipshit who sucks at life, but she has become hot tamales as of late. The Rascal Flatts win, and feh…

Carmen Electra is out—to strip naked, I hope. Nope… she’s going to introduce Barry Manilow, who sings a “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You”/”What the World Needs Now Is Love” medley. If you also were hoping for “Weekend in New England”, we both got robbed.

Linkin Park is out to present Favorite Alternative Artist, and the nominees are…

FAVORITE ARTIST (ALTERNATIVE):
Nickelback
Pearl Jam
Red Hot Chili Peppers

Flea would like to thank the little flowers and pieces of dirt, while the other two would like to thank their families. Gotta love Flea.

Mathan: 1
Jeff: 5
Aaron: 3

Common doing a Gap commercial does not necessarily surprise me, but it’s mildly disappointing.

Jenna Elfman and Meat Loaf are out to present the award for Favorite Rap/Hip-Hop Album, and the nominees are…

FAVORITE ALBUM (RAP/HIP-HOP):
Monkey Business – Black Eyed Peas
Curtain Call – Eminem
King – T.I.

The Black Eyed Peas are the winners, and will.i.am says that they’re “keeping hip-hop progressive, and pushing it forward.” Now, if I wanted smoke blown up my ass, I’d be at home with a pack of cigarettes and a short length of hose.

Mathan: 1
Jeff: 6
Aaron: 4

Tori Spelling and Clay Aiken are here to introduce John Mayer, who performs “Waiting on the World to Change”. John Mayer used to really bore me, but he’s recently been making some really interesting music. That and he’s admittedly a huge pothead who banged Jessica Simpson. I actually have to give credit to my mother for liking him all along.

Weird Al and Chamillionaire are here to let you know how the votes are tabulated, showing some bigwigs from Ernst & Young LLC. Normally I’d say that was a useless segment, but Weird Al doing the hard stare was f*cking hilarious.

The Game and Chris Brown are out to introduce Snoop Dogg and Akon, and actually, this is looks lot more like a strip clubs than the Pussycat Dolls performance. Some of those dancers even look coked out.

Frankie J and Tyrese are here to present the award for Favorite Soul/R&B Album, and the nominees are…

FAVORITE ALBUM (SOUL/R&B):
The Breakthrough – Mary J. Blige
The Emancipation of Mimi – Mariah Carey
Unpredictable – Jamie Foxx

The winner is Mary J. Blige and WOW… it sounded by the audience’s reaction that Mariah was going to win, and all three of us thought that she’d win, too.

Mathan: 1
Jeff: 6
Aaron: 4

Award presentations that were not broadcast:

FAVORITE ARTIST (ADULT CONTEMPORARY):
Michael Bublé
Kelly Clarkson
Rob Thomas

Winner: Kelly Clarkson

FAVORITE FEMALE ARTIST (POP/ROCK):
Mariah Carey
Kelly Clarkson
Nelly Furtado

Winner: Kelly Clarkson

FAVORITE ARTIST (LATIN):
Daddy Yankee
Don Omar
Shakira

Winner: Shakira

FINAL SCORE:
Mathan: 3
Jeff: 8
Aaron: 6