Black Light Burns - Cruel Melody
I Am: Wolfpack (6/5/07)
Rock / Metal / Industrial

Hi, I’m Jeff, and for what it’s worth, this is more of a Nine Inch Nails album than the latest Nine Inch Nails album. … Whoa… hold your fire, kids… everyone knows I’m a big fan of Trent and Co., but for those of you who were chagrined by their new, more downtempo sound, the sound found on Cruel Melody may be closer to that for which you are looking. It just goes to show that while Trent decides to try new things, Danny Lohner and Josh Freese are moving on with Wes Borland. Yes. Wes Borland. And yes, I really, really like this album. Let it be known, however, that Fred Durst can still suck my f*cking balls. “Mesopotamia” brings in some System of a Down-type volatility, while still staying true to Lohner’s vision, and the whole album really does flow very well. I would be remiss not to mention that Borland’s vocals do sound an awful lot like Trent’s (on songs like “Animal” and “The Mark”), but he’s different enough (on songs like “Lie” and “Stop a Bullet”) for it to not seem like shameless plagiarism. Really, folks, I never thought it would happen, but I am strongly recommending something involving Wes Borland. At this rate, the Cubs might actually make the playoffs. Probably not, though.

Hi, I’m Jeff’s grandpa, and I tell ya, that boy listens to so much garbage, but it’s not his fault, because the radio just ain’t what it used to be. I’ll take Amos ‘n’ Andy any day over that danged Nickelband. [Editor's Note: While the editor is not particularly fond of minstrelsy and/or classic radio programs, he will agree with his grandpa that Amos 'n' Andy is still much more tolerable than Nickelback. Interesting to note: we haven't agreed on something so vehemently since the Great Old Style vs. Bud Light Debate of 2002.] I’m not sure why this Borden guy sounds so upset, but chances are it’s because Mary Janes are so hard to find these days. That, or because a friggin’ White Castle costs 51 cents. I blame al-Qaeda for that one.

Mudville - Iris Nova
Mudville Music (6/12/07)
Electronic / Downtempo / Jazz

I never know what to expect when the beginning of a press release touts all of the not-so-intriguing cameo appearances on the album, almost like a red herring to distract one from the suckitude that is the actual album. However, believe or not, I have made incorrect assumptions before, and this would be another one of those instances. Mudville is the duo of singer/songwriter Marilyn Carino and producer Benny Cha Cha, who also plays a large majority of the instruments on the album. The opening track, “Eternity”, is a sultry trip-hoppy jazz ballad that puts Carino’s vocals (very reminiscent of Annie Lennox, if she had some minor limitations) amid a sea of smooth jazz breaks. “Wonder Boy” sounds like something out of DJ Spooky’s Optometry sessions, as it stops and starts but still maintains a seamless resonance. Of course, the one track that really caught the attention of this reviewer was the slowed-down, jazzified cover of “Spirits in the Material World”, which soars until an awkward chorus. That’s a shame. Tracks like “The Spanish Gypsy” and “Sado” (featuring Buddy Cage on steel pedal guitar) makes up for it, though, and as whole this album is just the cat’s pajamas.

Jeff, why don’t you keep your change in one of these nifty thingamabobs like I’ve got? Otherwise you ain’t got a snowball’s chance in Hades of paying off those student loans. … What about the song? Oh, yeah. It’s not bad. A little jazzy, and I like that. I’d still rather hear something by Glen Miller. You got anything by Glen Miller in that idiot box of yours? How can you sit so close to the screen?

Soulidium - Children of Chaos
Adrenaline Music Group (6/19/07)
Rock / Alternative / Nü-Metal

According to Amazon.com, customers who bought this also bought albums by Linkin Park, Finger Eleven, Sevendust, Ozzy Osbourne and Maroon 5. Sigh… The brief intro track, “Soulidification Sequence”, starts out almost exactly like “Always on My Mind” by the Pet Shop Boys, however that works, and segues into “Trapped”. This track contains bass strumming, which is quickly joined by guitar and the obligatory angst-ridden vocals, compliments of Michael McKnight. I’m sure there’s something closer than what I’m about to write, but the first thing that came to mind was Our Lady Peace or Finger Eleven. Don’t get me wrong, tracks like “The Light” and “Crucify” are hard driving and should make this album a hit with the Orange County Chopper crowd. McKnight’s voice has passion, and that certainly keeps the album afloat. The band channels Chevelle in “Waiting”, which I may have appreciated more had it have come out in 1998. The whole album just sort of sounds dated. It’s good for what it is, but unless you’re still a really huge fan of nü-metal, take a pass.

This music makes me want to take a crap. I’ll be right back…

T-Pain - Epiphany
Jive Records (6/5/07)
Rap / R&B

From the same Lil Jon acolyte that done brang us “I’m N Luv (Wit a Stripper)” comes a new album, with its flagship single, “Buy U a Drank (Shawty Snappin’)”. Why even try spelling at all anymore, really? Why not just name your tracks things like “Yhchjdc”, “EWIcjjv” and “YFHhjwe78r7&”? If Bill Cosby were dead, he’d be rolling in his f*cking grave. While most of this album is just more of the same poppy, craptacular radio-rap that has people like Nas worried that hip-hop is dead, it does have a few decent offerings—particularly, “Shottas”, featuring Kardinal Offishall, and “Suicide”, which shows that if T-Pain cut all of the crap he could drop a pretty damn good Bilal-type album. Just remember, though, folks, hip-hop is not dead, because DJ Jazzy Jeff just released a new album this month. Seriously, it’s that f*cking good. Just ask Mathan. Also, as a memo to T-Pain: I ain’t hatin’, but Cher wants her vocoder back.

I’ve got no idea what this is or is supposed to be, and if this is what passes for music these days, I’m glad to be losing my hearing. What’s all of that bullshit going on out there in the street? Somebody call the police. I don’t recognize those kids, and I’ll be damned if they’re going to ride their bikes on my lawn. They probably came from those tenement buildings by the train station. We’re all out of Fresca. Remember when a bowl of soup was a nickel?